Single Jurls

I have a couple of friends navigating the waters of singledom though they are managing their search for true love in very different ways. One is still swinging round the penis pole hoping to land on the One True Penis and have some fun while searching. My other friend is like, "Penis who?" She's hoping God will send a man to her door, though if she were honest she'd admit that even a hot door to door salesman would not get her consideration for the One True Penis.

When I try to offer advice (and I only do so after one of them laments their single lady status) I'm told, "You don't understand! You're married!" I sigh and say, "You got me. I was trying to keep that husband and two kids under wraps, but you found me out!"

I'm sure it is frustrating to have an old married woman tell you how to get a man, though I only suggest getting out in the world so you can meet someone or stop the penis swinging until you’ve learned to value yourself in a way that does not need that kind of physical validation from a man. I don't think either is remarkable advice.

The penis swinger is a beautiful girl who has questionable taste in men. My theory is, she has approval issues with her father (cause Dad's are almost always to blame when there are men issues) so she seeks out men she thinks are better than she deserves, but are actually walking turds, and then is crushed when she finally wakes up and smells the stink. Except, there is one Giant Turd that she continues to long for despite his texting with another woman when they were on a date, despite his cohabitation with another woman, despite his sorry, ego maniac, self-centered prickness. When it comes to this Giant Turd she is blind, deaf, and dumb, making me want to shake her until her head pops off.

And I always know when she's seeing the Giant Turd because my phone goes suspiciously quiet. When this happens, I call and demand to know what she's doing that I'm not supposed know about! She always lies, at first, but a few days later or a week later she confesses her Turd love and I remind of her of all the ways he's a Giant Turd.

But, it doesn't matter what I say, until she recognizes that she's so much better than him she will keep sniffing around like someone with a turd fetish. Oh, and stumbling around in singledom wondering why she’s there.

My other single friend is also beautiful and also a challenge. In one breath she says she wants someone, someone to share the joys and burdens of life with, but in the next breath she says she doesn't want someone living in her house messing up her stuff (though I can relate) or always in her space! She wants marriage, but doesn't want the dating, getting to know you, kissing, stuff!

Say what? So, you want to wake-up married? But, you're not sure you want them in your house? And you want to skip the kissing, but still land a man? I've told her and told her, you gots to do a lot more than kissing to land a man, in fact you may do more to get him then you ever do to keep him. In fact, you don't get to say, "Ugh, don't touch me" until after the honeymoon. (But, sex and this friend is a whole other blog she'd kill me if I ever wrote.)

As us married ladies know, marriage is hard work, and so many young women never think past the Cinderella wedding, getting a big surprise when married life more closely resembles Cinderella's pre-prince existence with dirty drawers on the floor, pee all over the bathroom, and diet coke cans left all over the castle. My friend at the penis buffet may be one of those jurls that just wants to be married as if marriage solves all problems (married ladies feel free to roll your eyes and vomit a little), but you take your problems with you into wedlock where they collide head long into your husbands baggage. Such is marriage.

But my friend on the penis fast does have a realistic view of marriage, though it may be a bit overly dramatic, because she goes from acknowledging the hard work that marriage requires to “it’s for better or worse even when you have to wipe his shit up because he can’t do it his self!” Huh? I’m pretty sure having to literally wipe your husband’s ass is a pretty rare occurrence in marriage, though figuratively wives do it all day long, so I’m not sure why she goes to the most extreme “for better or worse” example as if she’s been married to a chili-loving man that could not wipe his ass and needed her to dole out the Charmin and do massive clean-up! Yet, even with this Debbie-downer view of marriage she still says she'd like to be married...except on the days when she's not sure she could deal with having a man around.

These two women are two of my best friends and I want them to have everything they want in life, but I’m not sure they even know what they really want so it’s hard for them to find it.

Their happiness is somewhere between the fantasy romance and marriage and the delusion that God delivers husbands that don't make demands, don't make messes, but, still need you to wipe their ass.

One things for sure, they don’t want to hear me tell them how to have a relationship so I’m opening it up to you jurls for advice on how to find the One True Penis. Can you wait for God to send you a man in the grocery store that you spark with over the melons? Or do you need to get “out there” even if “out there” is Match.com? If there's no one at your job or church is Match.com all that's left to you? Should you have sex because it’s fun and might lead to more or should you hold out for a couple of dates? And how do you stop wanting a guy you know is bad for you?

Where have all the good men gone? What's a good jurl to do?