Pundit Jurl

I've never watched so much CNN in my life. In fact, if I understood economics, or anything past basic math, I'd say I'm very well informed. And for the first time, I don't hate either Presidential candidate so you'd think I'd be enjoying this historical Election season, but no. For starters I have tired head and for enders the Fall 2008 television season is in full swing and I'm in the weeds with all my programs. I can't be expected to keep up with the train wreck of Wall Street and the Presidential race when I have to juggle Heroes and Dancing With the Stars!

I know you civic minded jurls are saying, "How can choose shallow escapism when our Country is on the verge of cataclysmic change?" But, that's precisely my point. I need to escape from all the talking heads with their opinions, politics, agendas, bad hair cuts, and odd facial tics. If I didn't have Ugly Betty and Grey's I might crack under the pressure of reality.

But just to prove I'm paying attention, here are a couple of Hot Sport's Opinions...

As far as the economy goes, I'm not really interested in what Main street has to say because we Main-streeters aren't economic experts. I took economics in high school and almost failed cause it's really hard. Congress, please do not take direction from me or anyone like me. That's not to say I want to hand over a blank check to bail out these huge banking institutions, au contraire mon frere. I just don't know if there is another way to save the American economy. Is there? Anybody got any ideas? I wonder what Jeb Bartlett would have done on the West Wing? He's my favorite President.

When I see people with signs saying "Screw Wall Street" or "Main Street Says No Bail Out" I wonder if those folks have considered the far reaching effect the collapse of Wall Street will have on Main Street. Pip pointed out to me that most business, including the one we work for, operate on a line of credit and if that credit goes away.....oh, snap.

See why I have to turn it over to True Blood? If I was a vampire I wouldn't give a crap because I could just take what I want (though I'd probably be a conscientious blood-sucker).

I did make time for the most boring Presidential debate in history. Snore. I look forward to the Vice Presidential debate because those two are bound to say some crazy-nut-bag, frightening, yet funny, shit. With a question on Iraq Joe Biden will probably site Lincoln's struggle with the American Revolution during the 1950s while Sarah Palin will fall back on "Alaska is right next to Russia, and don't forget Canada, but either way it's about change and reform because I'm a maverick."

God help us. Every election I think, "Is this really the best America has to offer?" Though I admit, McCain and Obama are smart, honorable men, some of their choices show they are puppets to their parties just like every successful politician. I blame Main Street for the incessant political pandering, because Americans don't want to hear honesty, we want to hear that we're right and things are going to be done exactly how we want it done. As if.

Thank goodness, tonight is more Dancing With the Stars. No matter what happens in the news today, I can count on feathers, rhinestones, and bare-chested men to dance across my T.V. screen and take me away from the worries of the world.

Over Committed Jurl

Damn you, Dancing With the Stars! You're a cruel Tivo hog of a bitch. Your celebrity twinkle toes are on too damn much! This week alone there were five hours of you! Five hours. Seriously.

How can I possibly watch all of my shows when you are bogarting the air waves?! I'd drop you like a dirty diaper if there wasn't so much delicious drama brewing this season. How can I miss Erica Kane's stick-figure tip toeing across the floor like a new born faun? Or Kim Kardashian's big old booty that she can't seem to shake? Or Gay Lance Bass thrusting his pelvis around at a woman like a straight dude? Or Tony Braxton dropping dead of a heart attack? Not to mention, Max is back (oh, how I've missed that sexy, sweaty, chest)! Hell, yeah!

And though I cringe at Cloris Leachman's antics (and cleaves) that make me wonder if she's hilarious, senile, or drunk, I wouldn't trade them for all the Privileged in the world.

By the way, I'm hot for that cute little chef, Rocco. Meow.

I love you Dancing With the Stars, but you don't make it easy. No, you make me work for it. And like a young girl desperate for love, I will let you have as much Tivo space as you need. And if you want, I'll even do your laundry. I love you. You don't have to say it back. Unless, you want to. But, I understand if you're not ready to take our relationship to the next level. Unless, you are and then that's cool, too. Whatever.

Pitch Jurl

I'm thinking of pitching a new T.V. show to some networks, tell me what you think....

It's 2008 and the Facts of Life jurls are still working for Mrs. Garrett in her bakery sweat shop (let's pretend the junk shop never happened) and though they're long out of school they still where their uniforms. When not making pastries, the jurls use their super secret, super powers to fight crime! Tootie's roller skates aren't just a pair of skates, they allow her to move at super-human speeds and time travel! Joe shoots golden monkey wrenches from her wrists (think Spiderman) and Blair blinds evil doers with her big white horse teeth. Natalie eats bad guys and poops them out in a big, turd case, keeping them secure until the cops arrive to cart them away!

Every week there's a different bad guy trying to take over the world and the human race is saved by the Amazing Facts of Life Jurls!!

Who wouldn't watch that? If they can remake 90210 then the FOL jurls can come back as superheros. I'm working on the opening song.....


Now, really, who looks more capable of kicking ass???? The fuity tooties in the crazy get-ups or the gals of Edna's Edibles?