In the wee hours of this morning my three year old had a bad dream and climbed into bed with me and my husband. They are both bed hogs so I was forced to the edge of the bed with my ass hangin in the wind. As I lay there uncomfortable and suffering from ass chill I suddenly realized I have the life of a Hollywood starlet. No, seriously, hear me out. There are a number of parallels between the average mom and the average Hollywood starlet. Take me, for example Everyone wants to get in bed with me. People, albeit small ones, beg and plead to get in my bed! My schedule is jam-packed! Doctor appointments, laundry, grocery shopping, dance recitals! I need a personal assistant! Everywhere I go someone is calling my name and someone always wants something from me. I don't know if I'm loved for myself or for what I can do for people! It's terrible to be famous in Mommywood!
I say it's all about perspective. Some might call it deluding oneself. Either way, it works for me.
If you're a mother and you're not feeling the fabulous life then try the following:
1. purchase some giant sunglasses that make you look like an alien.
2. suck in your cheeks so at least your face looks emaciated.
3. go buy yourself a cupcake from Sprinkles (if no Sprinkles near you then get one from the grocery store, but leave a couple extra bucks on the counter so you feel like you've over paid for the cupcake).
4. rush from the car to the store as if you're running from the paparazzi (even if no one else is around).
5. when signing a credit card receipt ask the cashier "What would you like me to say?" then proceed to write "Love," before the signature line.
You will feel like a celebrity in no time.