Thursday, September 18, 2008

Position Jurl

Yesterday, I took a break from lawyering to check out as part of my research on writing assignments and was disturbed by some of the things I saw there. Apparently, there are all kinds of fancy sex positions that Cosmo is sharing with it's readers that I have never considered (nor will I consider). I myself prefer traditional missionary because it compacts fat or loose skin which in other positions will slap together, making a thunder clap. On top would work, but my knees can't take it and my legs cramp so I KISS, keep it simple stupid.

Anyway, I thought I'd better share these wild sex positions in case any of you more flexible ladies are interested in spicing up your bedroom activities.

This one is called the Randy Recliner. I call it the "Broken Lawn Chair" because if I tried to do this the chair would collapse and I'd wind up with a piece of plastic lodged in my abdomen. Or worse. It'd take one hec of a sturdy lawn chair (and one that reclines) to pull off this stupid sex position. And do you bring the lawn chair inside or do it outside? If you're outside, do you put on bug spray or will that burn your privates? How long before the mesh imprint of the lawn chair fabric fades from your ass? So many questions, so many ways I'm not doing this.

Cosmo calls this one the "Pleasure Pick-Me Up". I call it the "Happy Hernia" or the "Shock-A-Ding-Ding!" because if I were to jump up on Husband like this his back would break just before his legs gave out, dropping him in a sad puddle of his former self. Maybe if we had a hydraulic ass lift for me? And don't you need some resistance? Perhaps a wall is involved? Perhaps cocaine is involved?

Ah, the "Passion Propeller." I call it the "Wind Breaker" because someone is bound to fart during this one, right in someone else's face. And is his penis in her vagina or her belly button? Cosmo says he's suppose to start in plain old missionary then "propel" himself around 360 degrees. Can you say carpet burn? And by carpet I mean the pubes and by burn I mean the fire set to your prives by the friction resulting from all that penis churning. Ugh. Just fart in my face and get it over with.

This one they're calling the "Electric Slide". Also known as the "Gas-O-Matic" because it would surely make me fart and burp. You could also call it the "Squeaker" because I think something would be squeaking....not sure what, but something. And the squeaking would be very distracting. Now where is the romance in this picture? Are they watching When Harry Met Sally? Is she reading a book? (I might give this one a try if I could watch T.V. or read something) Cosmo says he's supposed to sit right behind your "buns" (see picture) and come at you with a 45 degree angle until your "genitals touch", then start pounding away at the lady pleasure palace. Hey, Cosmo? Kiss my ass, I mean buns and stop suggesting I become a piece of work out equipment or a sit N spin.

Finally, Cosmo gives us the "Head Game" or as I like to call it, the "Broken Neck." Let's just say, if I manged to get in this position without my neck snapping in half, it still wouldn't be any fun! I wouldn't want to eat a piece of cake while standing on my head nor would I want to drink my red, red wine while standing on my head. Frankly, I wouldn't do anything while standing on my head so why would sex while standing on my head be enjoyable? And you know the pump action would cause you to bite your tongue. Check your health insurance coverage before attempting this one. Or better yet, just lay on your back and think about the grocery list like you usually do. (Not that I do that....Husband is a Sex God).

Cosmo, do us all a favor and leave our sex lives alone. It's bad for us older ladies who already feel like we're not the sexy whores we should be, as well as the poor young girls reading the glossy pages of your salacious mag who will mistakenly believe that a normal sex life includes contorted, fart-inducing, sex positions.

You would be doing us all a favor if you published articles about the reality of sex. It's messy, sweaty, sometimes fun, sometimes not, and occasionally someone farts. When you get older your priorities shift and sex becomes one more thing to feel bad about not doing enough so it gets added to your ever growing to-do list and these articles, though amusing, do nothing to help women get back in the groove and get out of their heads. Sex is an important part of a relationship (even if you're single because you should be "realtionshipping" with yourself) and unrealistic sex positions don't offer real advice for women in real need of a mental shift toward sex.

Not that I have any real answers. Once I got the IUD I decided to shut my husband up for good with regular sex (till I got mad at him, of course) and in order to do that I had to believe that I'm attractive and that I also need sex. I had to let go of all the nonsense in my head and be in the moment. I also had to prioritize it somewhere between reading Twilight and sleeping. And he's happy to get it even if we're not doing the "Shock-a-Ding-Ding".

So, if you want a better sex life then just start doing it, but beware the "Wind Breaker".


scout said...

Holy crap! I almost choked to death reading this. I too wish that these stupid magazines would get real, with real women, who work their asses of day in and day out making sure that everyone in their family has everything their family needs to be productive individuals, all the while putting herself last.

scout said...

I meant to add that I almost choked because I was laughing my a** off.

Anonymous said...

Amen....this stuff is getting way too complicated. I think most men are just happy getting any at all. Why are we now pulling muscles trying to create new positions?

Shelly said...

This was the funniest thing I have read in a long time! My co-workers are falling over laughing at this. You are awesome honey! :)

jurl said...

Ladies- Thanks so much. I have to admit this one made me giggle. Those pictures (and the Cosmo directions)were hysterical. There were lots more so check it out on for a good laugh. I mean really, is that the best Cosmo has to offer? I plan to take some cosmo sex quizzes and report the results. It'll probably say I'm dead.

Holly Golightly said...

Sweet Jurl, those pictures aren't for married people. Trust... I used to be one.

jurl said...

Oh, Holly. Trust, even in my single days I didn't have sex standing on my head. I may have goven some BJs in in the car, but that's as wild as it got. Though, I acknowledge the single girl's sex is destined to be wilder and nastier. In fact, upon reading this post my dear friend Dirty Bitch (who is single) called me up and said "I've done all of those!"

I did get her to admit she has not done the Broken Neck or the Shock-A-Ding-Ding.

Holly Golightly said...

I have a theory on why married people don't have cosmo sex. I think it's because you don't want to shock the ding ding that's attached to the worthless sack of shit who just said, "the baby is wet. What should we do?" Acrobatic sex is much more likely to happen with someone who hasn't been systemically pissing you off by leaving the toilet seat up, criticizing your driving, complaining about your spending, and scratching his balls while you do all the work. Just my two cents.

jurl said...

True that.