Sex and the Modern Jurl

Sometimes I envy a man's one dimensional relationship with sex. Men just like having sex because it feels good. No more, no less. Just a man and his penis. Women seem to have a twisted, warped, connection to sex or maybe it's just me. So far I've experienced three stages of sex. I break it down like this: in Stage One I mistakenly and sadly used sex as bait for affection; in Stage Two I enjoyed sex in a committed relationship (this is a short-lived phase); and in Stage Three (where I am now) sex has become an irritating chore that I put off as long as possible, but once I do it I think "that wasn't so bad." Kind of like stopping for gas- I'll drive forever on an "empty" tank to avoid pulling into the gas station, but once i do I realize it only takes ten minutes with little effort.

Unfortunately, Stage One is a rite of passage for most young women. It's amazing that grown women follow the logic that if I let him in my vagina I'll be in his heart. An older, wiser, woman knows that a male orgasm leads to a wet spot in the center of the bed and not much more (if you're careful). It's a hard lesson to learn and it took me several swings around the penis to figure it out. I'm not really sure if my thinking was that I was giving them something they couldn't get anywhere else so they'd keep coming back for more until we were actually a couple or if I thought I was so good at it that they would become addicted to my sexual gymnastics. Either way I must have been smokin crack. There are a million girls giving it away in the hopes of trapping love with their private parts. And the most spectacular sexcapade will not translate into love. Ladies in Stage One--Even if beer flowed from your nipples and fireworks shot out of your ass at climax you cannot capture a man's heart with sex.

Stage Two is what we're all really looking for in Stage One- good sex in a meaningful relationship. This is a wonderful time in a woman's life, but not that interesting to talk about and it only lasts until you get married and/or have kids.

Stage Three is the land of the Dead Inside. Married women all across the Universe-- Can I get an Amen? You know who you are-- sex is no longer about getting love or making love it's about keeping love from walking out the door. Doing it just often enough to keep your husband from being able to say you never do it.

Personally, after several years of marriage, two kids, and 80 extra pounds I'm no longer trying to give it away in any capacity. In fact, I'm closed for business. Working full time at work and at home will pretty much kill what little sex drive you have left after blowing out a couple of kids. Not to mention, if you feel like a manatee in granny panties you aren't looking to do the slap and tickle with anybody, even your beloved husband- especially your beloved husband.

I believe women of all ages still have the desire for sex, but it's buried under layers of exhaustion, unmet expectations, low self-esteem, and resentment toward your partner for his part in adding to your exhaustion, unmet expectations, and low self-esteem.

But take heart Stage Three women--I'm hopeful there is a fourth stage of the female libido where a woman learns to love herself no matter what the scale says, set boundaries at home and at work, ask for help when she needs it, and accepts help even when she doesn't need it. I have no doubt this would lead to the best sex life ever for the modern jurl. I'll let you know when I get there.