Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Damaged Jurl

Jurls, I am falling apart. It is unbelievable the damage blowing out babies will do to your body, and not just your vag, your whole body! I blame birthing for all my maladies and ailments. The obvious damage is to your tore up lady parts and that's legit. Both my babies were 8 pounders, or a rather large watermelon, so it's like a bomb going off. It's just not right to push stuff out of your prives and if women knew the damage they would sustain with a vaginal birth I'm pretty sure all babies would be puked up instead.

The first pregnancy tore me up pretty good, but the second one brutally attacked my body. Where do I begin? Let's start with the worst first--I can no longer hold my pee. I had hoped that the inability to hold my fluids would go away after I had the baby, but oh, no. In fact today I was forced to use the men's restroom at work because the ladies room was being worked on and I couldn't make it to the upstairs bathroom. I knew I couldn't make it because I peed in my backyard the other day when I couldn't find my keys for the door fast enough. You should have seen the look on my daughter's face. A look of pure confusion that was both sort of sad and sort of funny. I'll probably have a similar look when I find myself studying the variety of adult diapers at CVS. I hear Poise Pads are very nice. (can you hear the sobbing in my sarcasm?)

Besides the potty problem, I'm also decrepit. Half way through my last pregnancy I began to hurt all over. Again, I thought that would go away after baby, but oh, no. My knees hurt, my neck hurts, my left heel hurts, my hips hurt, and I have one pain that travels around-cramp in my calf, glitch in my elbow, twinge in my boob. Ugh. All my life I've heard (and used) the expression "road hard and put up wet" and now I'm living it.

One of the most disturbing legacies of my pregnancy is my new nips. I went from a light pink nipple to a dark mocha aka "nipplechino". Since I'm practically an albino, it looks a little weird. I kind of think they're slowly losing their rich chocolate color, but I don't hold out hope my nips will ever be what they once were. Not that they were anything to write home about before, but they did match my skin tone.

I hesitate to even mention the giant bean bag that was once a body. Again, I was never anything to write home about, but I was better than the unnatural disaster I've become. Let's just say I'm still rockin the pregnancy weight from Baby I and Baby II.

I could also share what it's done to my sex life, but there's nothing to share. (Please refer to Sex and the Mordern Jurl-Phase 3.)

How is it that thirty-five on shows like Sex and the City looks so hot and healthy, but my thirty-five looks more like the Golden Girls. I want to be somewhere between Carrie and Charlotte, but I'm somewhere between Dorothy and Sophia.

And it's not just physical. I'm psychologically an old Amish school marm who thinks butter churning is a big night. Given the choice between a drink at the Ghost Bar or a drink in front of my own T.V., I'll take my T.V. , thank you very much. The quickest route to happiness for me is getting to a place where I can take off my shoes and bra without worrying about foot funk or boob drop. I'm the lamest chick around and I've giving up caring.

So what if I can't remember anything and I do the pee pee dance every time I even think about a bathroom? So what if I'm dead inside? So what if no one would even think to invite me to a Happy Hour because they know I'd never go? I have my mocha nipples, poise pads, and my heating pad on high- what more could a blown-out, broke down, mama want?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're not damaged, jurl, just recovering. Give yourself some time. I don't know nothing 'bout no pregnancy, but I do know some things about emotional and physical pain. Exercise is great--get those endorphins up. Do things that make you laugh. And don't forget that you're usually the one who makes people laugh and brings joy into their lives. Don't be so hard on yourself--you're great just the way you are.

XOXO, Sua sponte

Claudia said...

I wonder if Post partum Kegels work to improve the pee pee situation? I laughed at those books that told me to do them while pregnant, but now after your post, I may try to do about 100 sets a day from now until I have my baby. =)

Mom to the Taveling Circus said...

I have tried the Kegals and who would of thought that working out your vag would be soooo freaking exhausting? Each time I was pregnant I told myself I would do them to make the labor of pushing easier, and I would try - for a while. But the nurse said to do them in sets of 10 and hold each one for ten seconds. I almost passed out after the first three.

Anonymous said...

your becoming your mother. Stop.

Anonymous said...

i will say this, after my babies, the pee pee issue eventually went away.

Anonymous said...

You didn't become this way overnight, so give yourself some time to recover. Not to make you cry or anything, but it's been 8 months and I'm just now back to my pre-preg weight.

Anonymous said...

Its been 13 months and I'm not down to my pre-preg weight and, in fact, I feel like I'm bigger now than I was 4 months post-preg (b/c when I was on maternity leave I had time to go for walks with the baby in her stroller, but not so much now). But hey, whatever. So I can't wear all of my pre-preg clothes, I buy new ones. But I can hug and kiss my sweet little one and listen to her talk and giggle and babble and try to walk-- instead of prancing around in size 6 couture pencil skirts. So I figure that's not too bad a trade off. Those couture pencil skirts, other than tightly hugging my ass, really don't give me all that much TLC nor do they make me want to get out of bed in the morning to see them smile.

Anonymous said...

Jurl, I feel ya. I, too, suffer from the pee pee dance. And, I don't think there's an exercise out there that will get rid of the excess SKIN! I gained so much weigh--60 lbs(loads of swelling---and ice cream---for the calcium of course) that I cringe when I see pics of myself towards the end. Nor will exercise remove the lovely MOLES off my NIPS or take away the MOCHA ARMPITS I developed. (I have found that some rubbing alcohol, a prayer, and some fast yanking will remove the small moles---not TOO much bleeding). Nor will excercise remove the stretch marks that span the circumference of my abdomen, hips, thighs, bellybutton, and butt. My husband USED to tell me I had the best butt in the world. He never says that anymore....and I don't particularly feel comfortable with him looking at it anymore. I don't really think that exercise will make my hips unexpand (is that a word?). I look like my mother and it depresses me. Before going back to work after 12 weeks off, I went through my closet to separate the good from the bad: not much good left. I gave a bagful to the needy and opted to buy a good girdle so that I could fit into the remains of my wardrobe. (Unfortunately, a teacher's salary doesn't permit buying a whole new wardrobe.) I don't mind the girdle, it makes me feel "smooth" again in those now saggy areas: stomach, hips, butt, upper thighs, etc. I feel like a fraud when people tell me I look good...like you, I am too honest and tell them that it's not really me, just the work of a good girdle. Maybe one day I won't need the girdle (or the maternity jeans), but until then, it will have to do.

Love ya,
AM