Monday, November 26, 2007

Diagnosis Jurl

Jurls, I've been diagnosed with the very rare hamingitis, meaning I have a ham stuck in my gitis. Ugh. The Thanksgiving holiday always leads to sickness for me- this year hamengitis, last year pieitis. I spend the whole weekend after Thanksgiving like a drug addict on a coke binge running around the house trying to snort all of my supply before Monday. Can't have any good food making it past the weekend, on no, all temptation must go!

Consequently I have a ham lodged in my large intestine and a pound of potatoes stuck in my colon. At one point I actually could hear my heart begging for mercy- "Jurl, please, not another bite of cream cheese corn! Put the fork down! Put. It. Down. No, no, not the dessert table! O.K., but just a small piece...Aw, hell no! Not a piece of everything! I have you lost your mind? Haven't I been good to you! I'm going to stop beating! I will do it!"

My heart is such a whiner. Always threatening to quit working. Whatever, it's just an idle threat. So far.

It's truly mind boggling the way I can eat till I'm sick and then eat some more. It's like the roll (or two) stokes the fire for dressing and the dressing calls out for more baked beans. By the time I get in the bed I'm hovering around a food coma and at least three times in the night I wake up to the sound of my heart struggling to pump the gravy through my veins.

No one puts a gun to my head and commands me to eat, but it feels like I have to keep eating once I start. And Monday is always the day that I set my sights on for detox. It could be Saturday or Sunday, but those are days I give to my habit and so Monday is "D" day.

My poor old body has been through a lot. Super heavy to super slim, years of bulimia, going without food for days, taking laxatives (14 one time- thought I would die), two pregnancies, more bulimia, and weight gain. I picture all of my organs as shrivled, old leprachauns with smoker's coughs. Yet, they keep movin and groovin despite my efforts to kill them.

So, this Thanksgiving I'm most thankful that my body keeps on going and next year I'll try to be kinder to it. Though I'm not making any promises about this Christmas.

On another note, I wonder if snorting the ham would keep it from joining all prior hams in my thighs a.k.a hamhocks.

5 comments:

ATLGAL said...

CREAM CHEESE CORN?? I have never heard of such a thing but it sounds goooood! I find that cooking yourself does the trick for me- I never want to eat my own cooking, so when its something I make myself I'm barely tempted to actually eat it after the preparation, serving, etc. processes. This is the first year where I made T-giving food myself (b/c its always been Granny's job or Mom's job, but like a fool, I thought I'd be a big girl and volunteer this year). End result- hardly ate a thing- not even desserts! Probably b/c they looked like crap compared to Mom and Granny's efforts in years past. No doubt I won't be called upon to prepare the holiday meal again for a loooong time. Which means I can stuff myself on someone else's cooking next year, hooray!

Heather said...

I couldn't wait to get out of my dress clothes into my old friends the sweat pants. I love elastic waist bands. What did me in was the beer. I rarely drink, but did so on Thanksgiving. The food was floating on top of the beer in my belly for what felt like days.

Claudia said...

Damn this baby in my tummy (not really, just figuratively - of course), because the almost 9 months worth of child gestating in my belly, my stomach only had room enough to fit only a partial plateful of food into it! It was torture! =) I hope the baby comes before Christmas so I can give it another go then. I love the holidays!!

Bastet said...

Cream Cheese Corn? Reading that just made me gain another 10 lbs!

Robin said...

Oh, that was very funny. I personally have that issue at about 9:30 at night. I feel compelled toward either ice cream or honey-nut cheerios. I don't have the willpower for no eating after 7:00.