So things have been a bit slow at work which always leads to shenanigans and goings on around the office. Today started off normal enough with me reviewing Oprah.com to see how I should feel and think then watching the Jimmy Kimmel/Ben Affleck video for the 100Th time, but then my friend Pretty in Pink showed up with her Mac book and enticed me to participate in making a music video. You may be asking yourself, "How on earth could they make a music video?" or you may be asking yourself, "How is it they're grown women with jobs making a music video?" Well, first of all, the Mac Book lets you do all kinds of crazy things and since it has a built in camera with editing software you can totally make a music video. Second, though we are physically in our thirties we're emotionally twelve. In fact, today I was caught by boy attorneys, not once, but twice, playing fake piano on my desk and belting out "Love Song" by Sarah Bareilles.
Anyway, Pretty in Pink had already recorded her part so all I had to do was sit in front of her computer and bob my head to a Madonna song (couldn't sing along cause it's a newer one and I don't know the words). She has informed me she got some good stuff and will be splicng our segments together to make one bad ass music video. We have plans to post it here so you can see how insane we really are.
By now we'd wasted a good chunk of the morning so we were ready for lunch, or brunch since we always eat at 11:30 a.m. And head bobbing can really work up an appetite.
Everyday Pretty in Pink and Elle Woods and I go out to eat for lunch and everyday we spend fifteen minutes trying to figure out where we're going. It goes something like this:
Me: I don't really care where we go.
Pretty in Pink: Me either.
Elle Woods: So what country are we in the mood for?
Pretty in Pink: Mexican?
Elle Woods: I just had Mexican for dinner last night.
Me: Hmm. How about Italian?
Pretty in Pink: Too heavy.
Elle Woods: How about.....
Me: Or maybe.....
Pretty in Pink: This is ridiculous.
Me: I know. How about On the Border?
Elle Woods: Vomit. How about Uncle Julio's?
Me: Yuck. They leave the skin on their chicken.
Pretty in Pink: Can't you ask them to take it off.
Me: I guess. Alright. We can go there.
This is a much abbreviated version of what actually takes place and if it was painful to read think about what it's like to participate. And there's a fourth jurl who waits for us to decide then vetoes. Yet for some reason we're always willing to put ourselves through this decision-making torture. If only someone would tell us where to go....of course, we'd never take anyone's suggestion.
I volunteered to drive which is good and bad. Good because no one ever wants to drive and bad because 1) I get distracted by the conversation, forget where I'm going, and almost get us killed at least twice and 2) the backseat jurl has to squeeze between my car seats- not pretty.
I really don't mind driving, but for all the screaming. They scream when I pull out in front of someone, they scream when I stop at a green light or race through a red light. Ridiculous. Today was worse than usual because Pretty in Pink and Elle Woods have some sort of Vietnam flashback thing about the parking lot at Uncle Julio's so while I was tyring to be polite and let someone park before I pulled in to the next parking spot these two were screaming obscenities at me. "What are you doing?!! Just f***ing park!!" and "That f***ing car is going to get that spot!!! Park, f***ing park!!"
Like a frightened rabbit I hopped into the space praying to Jesus these two would not hurt me. I stumbled from my car in bad need of a drink (alas it's the lunch hour and it would be unethical for a lawyer to consume alcohol at lunch then return to work....unless someone else was buying).
We are still laughing (and I'm cringing) at how they go into a steroid rage once inside the Uncle Julio's parking lot as our poor waiter tries to get our drink order. I'm a Diet Coke and my jurls are Coke drinkers. Though we are always polite in a restaurant we can be a bit demanding. We each need our own hot sauce so we can double dip and we always adjust the menu item to our liking. And Today there was a castrophe when Diet Cokes were slipped to my jurls. Elle Woods took a sip and proclaimed: "Vomit! This is diet!" while Pretty in Pink sipped and yelled, "Oh, GAWD! It's Diet Coke!" as if it were really poison. The waiter looked frightened, but I explained they were crazy bitches with a terrible allergy to Diet Coke.
Once the proper drinks were distributed we began dissecting world issues like Darfur and the race for the White House. Sike! Lunch talk usually centers around our favorite television shows and Hollywood gossip. Every once in awhile politics sneaks in, but that can always be dangerous so we try to keep it light. Plus, we're just not that deep.
Today we finally did our "Lost" talk and discussed our theories about what the hell is really happening on that island. Pretty in Pink was hot to trot over the Kate and Sawyer love scene, while Elle Woods finds Sawyer to be a dirty, greasy duche. Pretty in Pink really wants Kate to get pregnant and insists that's the most realistic plot turn because everyone on that island is Hot and Horny. Pretty in Pink also thinks they need a black woman on "Lost" (Rose doesn't count for some reason) that will pistol whip Locke and scare the s*** out of that shadow monster. I suggested she was turning "Lost" into "Lost in Compton".
Next week on "Lost in Compton" the White Devil opens up a liquor store and pushes crack.
Pretty in Pink now plans on writing her own Lost episode where she takes over and saves the day like a Beautiful Black Super Heroine!
Leaving the restaurant we have a brief argument about whether I should get gas now or later. I argue I still have 35 miles left to go, but they insist I just need to fill up and do as they tell me to do. So, of course, I follow direction and divert to the nearest gas station. As we pull up to the gas pump we notice a camera man filming a local television dude. My immediate reaction is panic because I do not want to be on T.V. Pretty in Pink's immediate reaction is "Where's the camera? Do I look good?"
When I hesitate to get out of the car they insist it'll be alright and to just get on with it. So I tip toe over to the gas pump in fear do drawing the camera's attention. While I'm entering the wealth of information on the display screen (debit outside, zip code, mother's maiden name) the camera man scoots around the pump and starts filming me, saying, "We're just shooting people getting gas so don't mind us." Oh, hell to the no. So, in order to stay out of frame I did this thing where I would cling to the gas pump then dart to my car and undo the gas cap, then dart back and cling to the pump, dart back with the handle thingy and dart back to push the "regular" button, then dart back to start the handle thingy pumping the gas, and finally dart around to the driver's side and to hide in my car. In between the clinging and the darting the dude with the microphone came over and asked, "How are we today, ladies?"
I said, "Fine, I don't want to be on T.V., but the one in the back does and she has an opinion on everything so talk to her." T.V. man pokes his microphone through the car and asks, "Has the rise in gas prices influenced your life at all?"
Elle Woods said, "No." Of course, that's because Elle Woods is too rich to notice the rise in any price, she pretty much poops diamonds. Pretty in Pink, however, gives a lengthy response about how expensive gas has forced her to tailor her life, keeping her from going out as much. This is a big fat lie because if Pretty in Pink had free gas for the rest of her life she still wouldn't go anywhere.
We laughed all the way back to work wondering if Pretty in Pink would show up on the Channel 4 Evening News and me threatening their lives if I did show up on the news. I caught Pretty in Pink posing in the rear view mirror with her Gucci sunglasses wondering aloud, "Should I have worn my shades during the interview?" We all agreed no one would buy her gas lament if she'd been wearing the Gucci's.
I'm pretty sure you'll see Pretty in Pink on the news unless they found someone to say, "I had to sell my baby to pay for gas so I could get to the beer store!"
All of this happened before 1:00 p.m.