I am in need of a priest or witch doctor or something because my daughter has been possessed by Satan or one of his minions, though I'm pretty sure it's the top dog himself that's invaded her little body and turned her into a demonic monster.
I know it's not my sweet little angel that pointed her finger at the television this morning and yelled, "TURN ON CARTOONS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW, I SAID!" Then proceeded to jump up and down, scream, and thrash about like a mad, rabid monkey. Surely, my sweet Sam would not act this way simply because I told her to put on some drawers before watching cartoons.
Once the spittle started flying from the corners of her mouth I wondered to myself, "Do I really care if she watches cartoons while getting dressed????" But, being the MOTHER I could not back down once I'd insisted the Hello Kitty's go on before the T.V. so I grabbed her little legs to force her into the under garments, but then she started kicking me and speaking in demonic tongues! I dropped (threw) her steel-like limbs and lept (struggled to my feet as fast as my old body would let me) away from her.
She really scared me. As I watched her writhing on the floor I felt just like the mom in The Exorcist when Linda Blair came down stairs and peed on the carpet in the middle of a party.
I stood out of harms way and shouted, "Out demon! Release my daughter!" This seemed to anger Satan, Jr. so I'm pretty sure I was on the right track, but I didn't have time to do the full "the power of Christ compels you" thing as I was running late for work. I left Husband to wrestle with this hellish visitor from the lake of fire and he wielded a hair brush (more terrifying than a crucifix to our demon) against it and with each stroke the evil spirit wailed.
After the torment with the brush, she-devil ran into her play house clutching her undies and bloomers. By the time she came out with privates properly shielded Sam had regained control over her body, for the time being.
I left for work exhausted from my battle with Lucifer. Who knew fighting the devil was so totally draining? And now I'm scared to go home, afraid she'll spit up green pea soup and call me a whore or worse because that's what possessed children do (see The Exorcist).
To make matters worse, it's left-overs tonight and Satan really hates left-overs. Pray for me.
My little angel...