Friday, September 5, 2008

I Am The Walrus Jurl

The other day I was standing on a ladder painting my new crown molding in my bedroom (I plan to share the bedroom before and after if I ever get to the after) when Sam, always by my side, said to me in a sing song voice, "Momma, I'm looking at my booooty!"

I turned around and almost fell off my ladder because there on the floor was Sam with her legs in the air giving herself a vaginal exam. Gross.

I said, "That's not your booty! That's your vagina!"

Sam replied, "Then I'm looking at my vagiiiiiina."

"Well, don't." I urned back to the crown molding praying that would end the discussion.

"Why? Do you ever look at your vagina?"

I sighed like Moses when he knew he wasn't gettin in to the Promised Land, "No, Sam. I don't look at it."

"When you were a kid did you look at your vagiiiiina?"

Ugh. "I don't know. I guess. Stop talking to me about vaginas."

Later on I got to thinking about this conversation, and not for the obvious reasons of horror and disgust, but because I got to wondering if I should take a look at my lady business just to keep in touch. Big mistake. Huge mistake!

If only I could go back in time to when I didn't see what I saw. Now, I realize that with age and weight gain your body changes. I expect my face to slide off, my boobs to hang low and wobble to and fro, my bat wings to sag, my butt to drag, but I did not realize that my under carriage would suffer similar ravages of time and fat.

It's like a bomb went off, leaving behind a burned out shell surrounded by wrinkly debris. Mon Dieu! When did this happen?! Is it my age, my weight, my baby blow-outs? I'm sure it's all of the above.

Damn Sam and her vag inspections. If you have any doubts about the pristine state of your business, do not take a closer look. Trust, it's better to live a lie than to face the terrible truth of your ramshackle hoo-ha.

I'll be googling "vagina overhaul" and writing a letter of apology to my OBGYN for exposing her and her staff to the Titanic of Vaginas.


Why is this guy trying to feed fish to my vagina?

6 comments:

BoBono said...

Oh, how I long for the days pre-vagi inspect when I had no idea of the broken state of things in my nether regions. If only that co-worker I like to call the "Old Hag of TMI" had never informed me of the other uses for Just for Men haircolor. I would never had that door cracked open. Would have never thought hmmm I wonder if that really happens...oh the horrors!

What's a jurl to do? Color? Wax? Dare I say, Nair? Because once that door is opened, there is no going back!

jurl said...

BoBono! going grey down under is another horror awaiting us! Though, perhaps not the only one. I have an older cousin that I've had the sad misfortune to see nude many times and let's just say my nickname for her is "Slick." I guess that will save my more daring friends waxing fees when they're older.

Holly Golightly said...

Jurls. Four words. Touch but don't look.

Holly Golightly said...

Is it rude to double post? I hope not. It's my birthday. WTF.

Did anyone offer you a mirror during child birth? I was offered a mirror. I declined (rather rudely, if I recall, there might have been an EFF NOOOOO!!!) but I remember feeling a little guilty like I was rejecting a rare piece of The Miracle of Life or something... but luckily both babies more or less fell out in 3 pushes so I didn't have enough time to rethink the mirror.

The girl parts have been ravaged for fun, ravaged for babies, stitched up from babies, and ravaged by time. Maybe the hair down there was provided as a gift to hide the inevitable damage. Whatever the color.

jurl said...

Holly- never rude to post multiple times. Is a multiple orgasm rude? I think not. Happy Birthday, by the way. I too refused to watch the miralce of life, and by miracle I mean travesty of the female body, via mirror. I can't think of anything more horrible and insisted that Husband not look at the destrction taken place down stairs. And you know I'm a supporter of keeping some curlies in your lady garden. Got put them there for a reason.

Leann I Am said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!

I couldn't have said it better myself!