To prove I have the best jurl friends in the world, I submit to you the contract Taz drafted to keep me on my path to self-redemption:
AGREEMENT OF JURL
This Agreement of Misti Dawn Mosteller (this “Agreement”), is between Misti Dawn Mosteller (“Jurl”), an individual and resident of the State of Texas, and ______, an individual and resident of the State of Texas (“Taz”). This Agreement is made effective this 14th day of September, 2008 (the “Effective Date”).
R E C I T A L S
WHEREAS, on September 12, 2008, Jurl and Taz did enter into certain negotiations whereby Jurl agreed to (i) limit self-defeating behavior and (ii) commit to certain positive habits; and
WHEREAS, Jurl is one awesome and amazing friend of Taz, and Taz is desirous of seeing Jurl succeed in all aspects of Jurl’s life.
T E R M S A N D C O N D I T I O N S
NOW THEREFORE, for and in consideration of two glasses of red wine, the mutual premises contained herein and for other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the undersigned parties hereto agree as follows:
1. NO FLY ZONE. Jurl shall not allow anyone, especially spouse of Jurl, to make negative comments about Jurl, whether in the form of a seemingly benign comment, joke or sarcasm under any circumstance whatsoever (collectively referred to herein as “Negative Bullshit”). Jurl shall use her best efforts to curtail Negative Bullshit from spouse and/or certain frienemies with a polite but firm rebuke.
2. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. Jurl shall not tolerate Negative Bullshit from anyone, especially Jurl herself. Jurl shall immediately cease and desist all written, oral or telepathic forms of Negative Bullshit about Jurl.
3. MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL. Each morning, Jurl shall look in a mirror and tell Jurl three things that make Jurl awesome. Jurl shall use her best efforts to see Jurl as Taz sees Jurl.
4. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD, JURL. Jurl shall use her best efforts to banish Negative Bullshit from thoughts. Jurl shall “get out of her head” and think of positive, Jurl affirming attributes, of which Taz attests are numerous.
5. SUCCESSFUL JURL. Jurl shall spend fifteen minutes three times a week researching various ways to further Jurl’s writing career. Jurl shall follow up on each idea and shall provide written, weekly progress reports to Taz of said research.
6. GO AHEAD, BITCH, AND TELL ME “NO”. Jurl shall not be afraid to be told “No.”
7. LIQUIDATED DAMAGES. The parties understand that failure of Jurl to comply with any of the terms or provisions of this Agreement will result in immediate and irreparable harm to both Jurl and Taz. Therefore, as liquidated damages, Taz reserves the right to beat Jurl with a wet noodle if Jurl breaches any provision of this Agreement.
8. FURTHER ASSURANCES. The parties hereto covenant and agree that they will execute such other and further documents and instruments as are or may become necessary or convenient to effectuate and carry out the objectives of this Agreement.
9. SEVERABILITY. If any provision contained in this Agreement is held to be invalid, illegal or unenforceable in any respect, such invalidity, illegality, or unenforceability shall not affect any other provision hereof, and this Agreement shall be construed as if such invalid, illegal or unenforceable provi¬sion had never been contained herein.
10. COUNTERPARTS. This Agreement may be executed in several counterparts, each of which will be deemed to be an original, and each of which alone and all of which together, shall constitute one and the same instrument. This Agreement may be transmitted by facsimile, and it is the intent of the parties for the facsimile of any autograph printed by a receiving facsimile machine to be an original signature and for the facsimile and any complete photocopy of this Agreement to be deemed an original counterpart.
The undersigned do hereby agree to the terms and conditions of this Agreement as of the Effective Date.
Am I a lucky Jurl or what? If you too have a running tape in your head that you're not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not whatever enough, then you need to copy this contract, make it work for you, and sign that bitch.
Love you jurls!