Saturday, September 13, 2008

Spa Jurl

Dear Spa Owners of the World-

Thank you for inventing a place for us ladies to be lotioned and rubbed for outrageous prices while Enya plays in the background. However, I'm concerned you are unaware that ladies of a certain size also enjoy your services since your robes never close over my ass. I understand you live in a world of rich, thin people and that fat people on television are more likely to be servicing others than being served, but I assure you the chunky monkeys like a little rub-rub from time to time. Would it kill you to throw in a couple of extra-extra-extra-extra-extra larges? I realize these robes will cost you a bit more due to the extra yardage of fabric, but considering your prices, I think you can afford it.


Chubs McChubby

Seriously, people, I long for the day when I too can strip naked (well, I'm not taking my drawers off) and robe up. Yesterday at Bliss, I had the same robe trauma as always, top fits fine, but the lower part will not come together over my big ol' birthing hips. I had a moment of panic while standing there in my black skirt and partially closed robe, but Taz assured me I did not look stupid so I went with it. That's right, I rocked my black skirt and the cream colored robe. I looked HOT and I don't care what any of those other white, forty-something women thought about it.

I enjoyed my facial, but as always was unable to shut my brain off while being rubbed on. I fretted over whether I should be talking to the facialist or should I be quiet? I don't want to talk, but I don't want to hurt her feelings... Maybe she doesn't want to talk? Or does she?! Will she think I'm rude? Or Annoying? Then I wondered what my bat wings looked like from overhead while spread out on the table. Was my fat leaking off the table?

Then I began to question the veracity of my facialist when she said something like, "Mmh, can you smell the rose I added in the moisturizer?" I said yes even though I couldn't smell it, then spent fifteen minutes wondering if she really put rose in anything or was just amusing herself to see if I'd agree with whatever she said! I know, I know. I'm C-R-A-Z-Y!

Before I could worry about accidentally pooting, it was all over. I gotta learn to relax. But, not so much that I accidentally poot. That would be bad.

Bliss review coming on jurlbytes.


Liss said...

Gas during a rub down is a horrible thing!!! Pregnant rub downs, even worse, you can't hold it in when baby is kicking your colon!!! Luckily my massage therapist is a friend, and also pregnant. So, needless to say, we both rip a** the whole time.

Claudia said...

LOL.. I constantly worry about whether I need to make conversation or whether to just shut it. I hate the stress involved with destressing.