Today I'm going to deviate from my routine, today I'm doing something different. I don't know what it is yet, but I clearly need to shake things up around here because what I'm doing ain't working.
When I was on the brink of getting my own place just before law school a friend of mine expressed concern that I might not like living alone since I'd never lived by myself before. I think she was afraid she'd find me wearing tissue boxes on my feet, living under my bed, and calling myself Lonely Girl 43 or something like that. But, au contraire mon frere, I loved my little apartment and I loved being on my own.
I shopped with girl friends, haunting North Park (greatest mall on the planer) and a local coffee shop (not Starbucks) became a second home. I seemed to always be doing something and I seemed to have a plan for my life.
Then, slowly but surely, life started living me instead of the other way around. Though I have never lost my humor (cause that will never die) I have lost my way on someone else's path, lost my voice in the echo of someone else's shout.
My heart beats to keep my body going, but it does not beat with the passion my soul needs to keep going.
No one did this to me. It's not Husband's fault, it's not my job's fault, it's not because I have two kids. I didn't have a strong concept of who I was and what I wanted before I started giving pieces of myself away. That was really stupid, but not unforgivable.
Today I'm forgiving all my self-transgressions (I think I just invented a phrase), accepting that without them I wouldn't be able to forge the path that is before me now.
Pretty In Pink pointed out that I'm a great dreamer, but a lousy executor. She's right and I've always know that about myself. I fear failure like some people fear death. I fear it on a small scale and a big scale.
I have to move past this for me and for my children. Sam told me she was afraid of her upcoming soccer game because what if the other girls ran faster? What if they kicked better? What if she wasn't the best? My heart broke, because I know exactly how she feels. She'd rather stay home and miss the game than risk not being the best.
That's so me. I would rather wear tissue boxes on my feet, live under my bed, with the call sign Lonely Girl 43, than go into the world and not be the best or, worse, not even be very good.
Pretty In Pink also told me I have an inability to admit I'm good at anything (other than being out of this world hilarious) and, again, she's right. I can't claim my talents for fear that someone might disagree. How retarded is that? I give away my power like a tramp gives up a blow job, but no mas.
If you're wanting things to change in your life, than get to changing them. Start small or start big, just start. I will join you in the jump off the cliff.
5 comments:
I will let you borrow my theme song, " ... Are you ready to Jump..."
I've already started, thanks in Big part to you. Motivation begin something else you're very good at. So, I will follow along on your journey. Can't wait to see how it turns out!
me- I'll take it.
Bobono- yea! and I'll be watching yours as well.
I am just a visitor, but I really enjoy your writing. I related so much to this entry. Almost like you had read some of my poetry. I too often realize that I lost myself along the way and it is always a struggle to find it again. and then I do... and then it passes.. and then i reposition myself again...
Shell- thank you for visiting and for the compliment. I completely relate to getting yourself in the right direction and then losing the way, then trying again....but, if we keep at it surely we'll get somewhere we want to be.
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