Friday, February 13, 2009

Dear Jurl Answers Holly

Dear Jurl,

How does one rid her life of douche bags masquerading as men? And what kind of shrink tells a happily divorced woman: you'd be happier if you had a boyfriend? That one's been bothering me all week.


Dear Holly:

Ah, the douche bag magnet conundrum. Women across the ages have had to deal with this decidedly female problem. Before Juliet found Romeo she was stalked by a Super Douche with a hair lip named Doucheo.

Here is a three-step plan for eradicating the douche bag from your life:

1. Ask yourself, "Is there something about me that cries 'I need a refreshing spring meadow douche bag to come into my life'?" If so, nip that in the bud.

2. Don't get involved with someone beyond mild flirtation until you have sniffed out the scent of a gentle lavender Massengill-- that means no sex, no sleep overs, no knowing too much about you, no giving your heart and hope away.

3. The moment you feel the warm water of the douche trying to violate you, jettison him from your life like the douche bag he is.

Now for your shrink....get a new one. However, I question whether you are really a happily divorced woman or just happily not with your ex-husband, there is a difference. But even I know that the secret to happiness can never be found in another person, but only within your own spirit.

It's important to note the connection between attracting Super Douches and a shrink that suggests you need a man to find happiness. Is there something you are doing that shouts out, "I don't really love myself, I'm not happy with my life, I'll give you way more than you deserve then hate you for it when I discover you are a douche bag!"

Obviously, I'm presuming a few things, but that's why I pose it as a question, jurl. We all have to douche a few times before we find an actual man, but some of us douche for a lifetime, leading to a serious infection. I left the douche behind a long time ago and limited my man pool with the use of "Misti's Rules Of Dating 101" and saved myself a lot of heartache.

I prescribe a man-break and a new shrink. Oh, and a really nice new purse, cause that always pleases the jurls.



Kiki said...

Jurl, the man break is a great idea. Becoming content with being by yourself, even if it is a little lonely at times, is a huge step. Holly just can't let the lonely moments get to her. Ride them out and she will see that some time alone will provide clarity of vision and better douchebag radar. I am certain that Holly is far, far too fabulous to waste herself on men who don't merit her.

Noah Tall said...

Welcome back, I missed ya ---- but my aim is gettin better

Penny said...

I'm so glad to see you back. I was having withdrawals...

Holly Golightly said...

Jurl and Kiki-- thank you for addressing the douchiness that has been my feeble love life for the past 18 months. I do believe you're on to something with the distinction between being happily divorced and being happily not married to the DB that gave me my current last name. So I'll heed your advice, take a man break, and consider a new shrink... and a new hand bag. Hand bags are easier to replace than shrinks-- I don't want to start from square one explaining at $160 per hour how I managed to get this twisted. Welcome back, missed ya, jurl.