How does one rid her life of douche bags masquerading as men? And what kind of shrink tells a happily divorced woman: you'd be happier if you had a boyfriend? That one's been bothering me all week.
Ah, the douche bag magnet conundrum. Women across the ages have had to deal with this decidedly female problem. Before Juliet found Romeo she was stalked by a Super Douche with a hair lip named Doucheo.
Here is a three-step plan for eradicating the douche bag from your life:
1. Ask yourself, "Is there something about me that cries 'I need a refreshing spring meadow douche bag to come into my life'?" If so, nip that in the bud.
2. Don't get involved with someone beyond mild flirtation until you have sniffed out the scent of a gentle lavender Massengill-- that means no sex, no sleep overs, no knowing too much about you, no giving your heart and hope away.
3. The moment you feel the warm water of the douche trying to violate you, jettison him from your life like the douche bag he is.
Now for your shrink....get a new one. However, I question whether you are really a happily divorced woman or just happily not with your ex-husband, there is a difference. But even I know that the secret to happiness can never be found in another person, but only within your own spirit.
It's important to note the connection between attracting Super Douches and a shrink that suggests you need a man to find happiness. Is there something you are doing that shouts out, "I don't really love myself, I'm not happy with my life, I'll give you way more than you deserve then hate you for it when I discover you are a douche bag!"
Obviously, I'm presuming a few things, but that's why I pose it as a question, jurl. We all have to douche a few times before we find an actual man, but some of us douche for a lifetime, leading to a serious infection. I left the douche behind a long time ago and limited my man pool with the use of "Misti's Rules Of Dating 101" and saved myself a lot of heartache.
I prescribe a man-break and a new shrink. Oh, and a really nice new purse, cause that always pleases the jurls.