Today I took the deposition of a very nice man and since the very nice man identified a couple of my clients I had to actually ask him questions. Here's the problem I have these days in depositions-- I can't remember the name of the witness. My short-term memory has been blown to hell so I cannot recall the name of a man I met five minutes ago. This is a problem because I like to address people by their name, for instance, "Hello, Mr. Turd Ferguson, my name is......." So when I get up there to take my turn I start with "Mr." then totally abort because I realize I can't remember the name!
Let me tell you, there is nothing more impressive then a lawyer who cannot remember the name of the witness she's deposing. Jeez Louise.
I have determined there are four stages of memory loss for women:
Drunken Jurl Damage-- this occurs mostly in the 20s while you're swinging around the penis pole (see prior blog on stages of sex). You can take out a vast number of brain cells during this stage as well as contract the herp if you're not careful.
Baby Brain Damage- this occurs when pregnant and it not only affects your memory, but can actually make you seem retarded to non-pregnant people. Some brain function is recovered once the baby is blown out, but you never get it all back. Your nipples that turned dark brown during pregnancy might return to their pale pink, but your brain is never coming back so stop looking for it.
Offspring Damage-- this occurs when your baby turns into an opinionated little bastard and ends....never? Your brain will take the most hits during this phase because it's an everyday, all day assault. The amount of damage is increased exponentially per kid.
Self-Medicating Damage-- this occurs simultaneous with the Offspring phase and is a mother's futile attempt to get herself together, once the kids are off to bed, with large amounts of wine. The mother will actually feel her brain cells drowning in a sea of Merlot, but due to the severity of the Offspring Damage will not be able to stop herself from tipping that wine glass back.
I'm awaiting the fifth phase, old as hell, and then death.