Tonight I Googled "help" which is my way of seeking answers from the Universe. Google always answers my questions, meets my expectations, and tonight Google was there for me again. Help.com was the first answer to my query. I clicked on the link and found a website where people post questions and other people post answers. Fantastic. Here's a sampling: I gave my bf a yeast infection, what to do? How much does an xbox 360 cost including tax? Any ideas for an article for my school paper?
Huh. Not sure Help.com can help.jurl. Not just because I don't currently have a yeast infection or because my husband already has an xbox, but because I don't really know what question I would pose to the world wide web. What is it that I need answered? I know there is a question, a big one, but for the life of me I don't know what it is. How to get my sex drive back? How to get my old body back? How to get my heart back, my joy? How about my energy? How about my old nipples that were a lovely shade of pink until I got pregnant for the second time and they turned brown? Surely I need to know how to be a better mother? How to make more money? How to save money? How to score Maroon Five tickets?
Never in my life have there been so many questions without answers. Every day begins with "Where am I?" and ends with "Where am I going?." I feel as if my world is swirling around me, making me the center of a storm that rages day and night. Screaming children, dirty dishes, needy clients, burnt pork chops, spilt milk, piles of laundry, two inch dark roots, cluttered floors, chocolate hand prints, dissatisfied husband, chipped nail polish, and deep insecurity twist around me until I feel like I'm about to scream my head off. I don't though. I take a deep breath and keep washing the damn dishes and give my kid a third Popsicle to make the whining stop. If I ever started screaming I just might scream until the nuthouse came calling.
So what is THE question that will perhaps lead me to THE answer? Think, jurl, think! How about: "Will I be alright? Am I gonna make it?" If only Madam Bullshit (see Psychic Jurl) could really see into the future. If only I could trust in God. Or even myself.
If only we could know how it all ends. Just sneak a peek at the last page of our story to find out if we find happiness. If I find peace. But for now the best I can do is Google the Universe with questions and search my soul for the answers.
1 comment:
You will be alright, jurl! We moms have to be strong for our children and sometimes even our husbands! It get's a little easier as the children get older. Maybe it's because we get wiser or we just don't have the energy anymore! Who knows, I'm still trying to figure it out!
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