Yikes, people. You know you're getting to be an old jurl when you watch the MTV Music Awards and spend the whole time complaining that no one can form complete sentences when giving acceptance speeches. MTV award shows have become very discombobulating. It's not sure if it's a circus on acid or a real life award show--the result makes me queasy. I had to take a Dramamine after the first five minutes.
Now, I can't talk about the MTV music awards and not mention Miss Britney Spears. Are you still "Miss" after popping out two kids and flashing your baby-maker to the world? Anyway, first things first. Britney Spears is NOT fat. I don't get how anybody looks at her body and says she's fat! If you want to say she danced like a zombie on xanax or point out that she should have learned the words to her song so the lip synching looked sort of real, well, those are legitimate complaints. Her performance was sad, but she ain't fat and I know fat. What's disturbing is that it's women calling her out for being fat. I bet you 99% of straight men would say she looked just fine. I know my husband did. To quote him when asked his thoughts on her body, "I'd take it." So if Britney is fat, I must be an actual planet. Just another day in a world where we have to work at making women feel bad about themselves. This is too fat, that's too thin, your face is too round, your boobs too small, your ass too flat (not mine), you've got ugly feet! Stop it, just stop it. We're so busy picking each other a part we miss the true beauty within ourselves and each other. But, since we're on the subject, Rihanna's outfit made her thighs look like tree trunks. Just kidding! (not really)
But, back to Britney. If she was my friend I would have tied her to a chair and said, "Over my dead body are you going out in that sparkly underwear and bad hair. Love you too much, Brit Brit! I can't let you humiliate yourself on national TV! Jurl, you got that glassy-eyed look you get just before you drop one of your babies! Intervention!" Some one save that jurl from herself, please.
In addition to the Britney train wreck they have included some funky new awards such as the Quadruple Threat Award. WTF? For example, Kanye West was nominated in this category for rapping, producing, and his social activism. Huh? In case you're wondering, Justin Timberlake won for his work as a singer, actor, producer, and his baby-faced bad ass-ness. I might have made that last one up, but you bought it for a second, right? In his acceptance speech Timberlake encouraged MTV to play more videos. Hallelujer! Except I never watch MTV and if I did I'd just complain that everybody looks slutty or dirty. Is it just me or does the youth of America look like they need a shower?
Oh, and someone please get rid of Pamela Anderson. She's gross. Wasn't her last gig working a "Herpies for Free" booth? Gag me.
You might wonder why I would waste my time watching the MTV Music Awards. Here's the thing-- I love award shows. I love live performances (though they're rare). I have been moved to tears by a beautiful voice backed by a gospel choir. I've been blown away by inspired dance moves. I remember watching Michael Jackson (pre-molester Jackson) unveil the moon walk on an award show and being acutely aware that it was an iconic moment. Remember that? Come on, you know you tried to do the moon walk in your living room. Ah, the good old days. Remember Whitney before crack? Lionel Richie before he got beat up by his wife? Now that was good stuff, jurl.
It's unfortunate that for so many entertainers entertaining doesn't seem to be enough. But I believe in the power of art and it's ability to shape the human soul. So though these shows mostly disappoint there is usually a gem or two like this year's performances by Alicia Keyes and Chris Brown. Check them out, jurls, and be moved by God-given talent.