Friday, February 15, 2008

Presidential Jurl

This week I've been uninspired to write in my usual clever fashion even though there is so much happening in the world: Breakdown Britney; writer's strike (which has been killing me); end of writer's strike (Hallelujah!); Lost (oh how I love this show) and the race for the White House.

But today was actually an interesting day at the office where the topic of discussion was focused on the election and "the issues". It's always fun to hear what's important to your friends and what they think about things like sub-prime mortgages (this one had to be explained to me) or the rise in gas prices (a punch almost got thrown over this one when the blame was put on Bush).

And yes, we know better than to discuss politics or religion, but we just can't help ourselves. I mean, we're all so damn smart!

We're a hodge podge of political mush that can agree on parts of some things, but rarely on all of anything. None of us seem to be 100% Democrat or Republican which I think shows we're independent, critical thinkers. For instance, I'm by far one of the most liberal thinkers in my office, supporting gay rights, a woman's right to choose, etc, but haven't quite bought into global warming (please don't send me information on this issue-- I've seen an Inconvenient Truth and it was inconvenient.) On the other hand, one dear friend is liberal all the way until you come to immigration then it's "break Mexico off into the Ocean or whatever stops illegal immigration" (this might be a slight exaggeration). On the opposite side of the debate table was a hardcore Republican conservative and an Independent. My Republican friend is against things like evolution and anything else that makes sense. Just kidding. Not really. My Independent friend is conservative on all things related to money, but does support stem cell research....probably because she has stock in STEM-Mart (just kidding, again).

My own home is a land divided as my husband is a conservative Republican (except when it comes to free speech where he goes wacko lib). Presidential elections are always hard to live through because it reminds us that the other one is a complete idiot. Soon I will be calling my husband a heartless Nazi and he will call me a knee-jerk ignorant sheep. It's an ugly time.

Already the smear campaign has begun as we try to persuade our three year old daughter to pick a side. I asked her who she thought should be president and she responded, "me." Considering some of the presidents of the past she might not do such a bad job. I'm sure popsicles would become the national food and no one would be allowed to call anything stupid replacing the offending word with "silly".

I told her she needed to be 42, I mean 35 (my husband corrected me), but since she was an American citizen anything was possible. Hopefully, by the time she's 35 she'll have decided a root canal is more fun than running for public office.

Can you imagine every guy you ever got drunk and did "you know what" with putting a youtube video up about how you stink at "you know what" or having your grades published for the world to see? Ugh, elections are the worst. Lord knows I will never run for anything because I don't like to smile and greet people nor do I want my personal business to become news. Not that there are many skeletons in my closet, but I've got a small knee cap or vertebrae that could pop out.

Despite my total lack of interest in campaigning (and fear of everyone knowing I failed Logic), I'm certain I'd be an excellent president and leader of the free world so here are a few of the things I would do the second I was sworn in (right after world peace and all the other good, important stuff I'd do).

1. Give NASA a billion dollars and tell them, "Dudes, it's 2008, make my car fly."

2. Institute mandatory year long maternity leave....with pay.

3. Give NASA a million dollars and say, "Make a diaper that will protect against explosive diarrhea."

4. Issue a Presidential order to Roberto Cavalli to make plus-size clothes.

5. Forbid the use of the term "plus-size."

6. Make manicures and pedicures covered under health insurance.

7. Have a big old party at Camp David (you're all invited).

8. Give NASA another million or so to make a cheesecake that actually burns fat.

9. Make companies recognize a "mental health" day as a real day off.

10. Raise the driving age to 25.

11. Raise the drinking age to 30.

12. Make popsicles the national food.


Amy said...

Read this post out loud to David. We giggled.

Anonymous said...

I'd TOTALLY vote for you. But NASA also needs to come up with one of those things from the Jetsons that makes a fully cooked meal, applies your makeup, and coifs your hair. SO throw 'em another billion or two for those things, mmmkay?

Sua Sponte

Angie said...

LOL! I love all the liberal, except.... and conservative, except.. comments. Doesn't that just explain America today? I think in the end, Democrat, Republican (me), Liberal, Conservative (me), in this election, we will either have to compromise or simply NOT VOTE (possible me - the Puritan route). Love this post. I would consider voting for you (despite your liberal views, which I respect but disagree with), but as of right now, I am thinking of writing in my Dad's name - I figure he deserves some acknowledgement politically of all he firmly stands for as he is one of the only people I know that never changes his views. Also, I want to get in on the IPO to NASA's flying car (which by the way, needs to fold up into a compact I can fit into my purse) and explosive diaper mitigation resolution.

Beverly said...

As a conservative Republican I would still vote for you with the changes you would make in our country. I like the fat burning cheesecake and flying car as well as the year off for kids can you include adoption in that as well?


Bastet said...

I would vote for you!

You really would think that our backwards country would start moving forward...I totally wish my car flew!

jurl said...

Thanks for your votes. I'm considering a run in 2012. I promise to make your car fit in your purse, make your bra lift and separate with comfort and create the Husband Act- husband's will no longer get special credit for doing things they're supposed to do anyway and wives do everyday!