Saturday, March 15, 2008

Marquis de Jurl

Inevitably, when a group of women gather (whether they know each other or not) and libations are consumed the talk turns to personal things like sex and vagina grooming. That's right, vagina grooming. Women love to compare their personal hygiene techniques like guys love to talk sports. And believe it or not grooming techniques vary widely.

I'm a retro girl, preferring a plain old razor to shave my legs and pits (and big toes if I'm being honest) to more radical methods of hair removal such as waxing and lasering. That's right, lasering. I have lots of friends that wax unwanted hair, but dang, that hurts. Plus, that requires an appointment somewhere and that requires planning and more effort than I have to give.

Beyond waxing is the laser. I have one friend who has lasered her legs and her pits. She likes to say she's bald from the eyebrows down. I know the laser hurts like a bitch because she told me so and she takes pain meds to endure it. My Lady Razor with triple blade action may be old fashioned, but I don't have to take pain meds to use it.

Years ago, like nearly twenty, my cousin invested in an Epilady. Remember those? It was basically a vibrator with a torture device attached to it that when passed over your legs would yank the hair out by the root. Man, did that thing work! It removed your hair plus your epidermis! What a bonus! As long as you didn't mind wearing bandages for two weeks or until you needed to use the Epiday again, it was a great hair/skin removal system. If you're interested, you can still get one at Target. Maybe they've improved.

The tending of the "lady garden" is always hotly debated. First, how much grooming should you do? All the way with a Brazillian? A partial, like a sideways mustache? Or maybe something more esoteric, like a happy face or dove of peace?

Second, how should you groom "down there" if you do intend to groom "down there"? I know a lot of people that wax their prives, but having heard them describe it I can't understand it. You're naked from the waist down? They put hot wax practically in your vag? Then rip all the hair off that most sensitive of areas? Oh, then they make you put your legs over your head so they can wax your back-vagina and ass crack? Say what?! No thank you! I'm not letting some stranger wade around in the lady swamp with hot wax and paper strips of death. Forget it.

Ditto on lasering "down there". Lasers are for blowing up planets and light shows at concerts, not vagina clean-up.


I've gone au naturel because I'm lazy and ain't nobody lookin. Well, except my three year old when she crashes my shower time, but I just tell her it was a very fashionable style in the 1970s. Besides, God put hair there for a reason, to keep out gnats and stuff so I'm just following God's plan.

Where I've chosen to let my lady garden grow as way of cutting out some grooming time, another friend of mine has given up shaving her legs. That's right, she doesn't shave her legs. You'd never know it though because she's not a short skirt wearing kind of girl so she probably chose the right grooming to give up.

I think all this painful hair removal is female self-loathing. Why else would you do such terrible things to your body? Jurls unite! Give up your masochistic ways and join us sensible, lazy jurls who keep grooming in perspective. Let some hair grow where God put it! Except on your chest. You gotta get rid of that crap.

Can you tell which of these itmes is an anal probe and which is an epilady? Well, they both hurt like hell.


Anonymous said...

Too funny. Why do we feel the need to discuss this? Odd, but all close jurlfriends do.

ATLGAL said...

What ever happened to Nair? The most foul smelling, nasty, sting-ingly useless product ever made? The smell literally took your breath away for a moment when you opened the pretty pink bottle- even the "tropical fruit scented" variety! I think everyone tried it at some point in the 80s or 90s during bathing suit season, but to date I have never met anyone who lost even a single hair as a result. Except that girl who, per urban myth, accidentally used it in the shower instead of shampoo and went bald, of course.

Anonymous said...

Nair is still around and to my surprise I tried it recently in the upper lip hair removal tube and could not believe that it actually worked and have been hooked since (I will wax the brows but not the lip, ouch). It also did not have the rotten egg smell that I remembered when it first came out. The only thing about nair is that is like shaving you have to do it every couple of days, but since I won't wax or lazer, or bleach it is a good alternative. One tip, do not use the regular Nair on your lip it must be the formula for lips. (Found that out the hard way)


Anonymous said...

I bet old-school Nair caused mesothelioma or something, so they changed the formula.

Sua Sponte

Beverly said...

I still have skin damage from trying the epilady in a small spot firts. I am all natural from the waist down too. Why bother shaving legs when ain't nobody gonna touch me!! I have tried the nair and in times when I am going to embarrass my mother, like the 2 weeks we spent in China, I did nair the old legs before. It works okay but again you don't want to do it often it might take the fingerprints off the hands rubbing it in. Hands def feel different after the nair.


Beverly said...

I meant "small spots first." Apparently I am a dislexic typist!!