Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Diamonds are a Jurl's Best Friend (Unless They're Neil's Diamonds)

Neil Diamond wasn't cool or relevant when my mother drug me to one of his concerts in 1985. And he was old 23 years ago so I don't know what that makes him now...a mummy?

That concert was one of many traumatic childhood experiences inflicted upon me by mother. Seared in my brain is the memory of Mother and her best friend turning into adolescent nut jobs when Neil crooned, "I am...I Said." I know they had no idea what those lyrics meant (because who does), but that didn't stop them from screaming and gyrating with a fist pump in the air each time he sang "I Am!" One more round of "Forever in Blue Jeans" and they'd have peeled off their granny panties, twirled them in the air, and tossed them on stage.

I believe it was during "Sweet Caroline" that I realized any dreams of me being cool were dead in the water. Sitting there with my mother's butt knocking into my head (remember, she was up gyrating) I wondered how I'd wound up at a concert with some grody to the max old dude, wearing a sparkly blouse open in the front down to the navel, with his sparkly grey chest hair peaking out.

When the laser show started I found myself looking up at a neon green eagle soaring over the audience wondering, is this hell? My Mom leaned down and yelled in my ear, "Look, Mis, do you see the eagle?!"

How could I miss it? "Yes."

She continued to insist on my participation. "Isn't that cool?!"

"Please don't say cool".

She maturely said, "Every party needs a poop and that's why we invited you...party pooper." or something equally stupid...it's been 23 years.

As my mom threw her hands in the air, closed her eyes, and started singing along to "Turn on Your Heart Light" (yes, the E.T. song)I knew I'd have to kill myself.

I had similar thoughts of suicide watching the final five contestants on A.I. struggling through Neil Diamond tunes. Oh. Dear. God. The first set of songs (that's right, they sang two Diamond Diddies) were bland to horrible. I love me some Brooke, but she murdered and left for dead "I'm A Believer" and my dread locked love, Jason Castro, stunk it up pretty good, too. The rest were just o.k.

The second songs were less putrid, but still made me want to gauge my eyes out with the sharp point of a barbie doll foot.

However, I gotta hand it to Neil, he looked pretty good for a mummy. I'm pretty sure he has a portrait of himself hanging in his attic that shows his decayed self as it should be had he not made a deal with the devil.

Oh, and Paula please stop shooting up before the show. You look good but sound crazy as hell.

And why was that hack Ryan palming that kid's head? God only knows where his hands have been. Last night I think he got into Paula's stash.

My prediction is that we say good-bye to Syesha even though it should probably be JC.

Tonight I will have Neil Diamond nightmares.....something like I'm the jazz singer and my mom is wearing the open front sparkly blouse. Vomit. Then the laser eagle attacks me. Vomit. Vomit.


ATGAL said...

I've never felt strongly one way or the other about Neil Diamond- I like a few songs, hate a few. Never bought one of his CD's (or 8 track, or cassette). Never thought much about how he looked. But recently I've been too busy to get the eyebrows waxed and I am about 2- or actually 3- months overdue and I am highly self conscious about ye olde browes and tend to notice others' brows more than usual. And I noticed last night that Neil's are thick and bushy and dark, just like mine. I look like Neil Diamond.

Also, he's boring. Am I right? He's like a zombie. No bullshit whatsoever.

As for the show...beee-zare. Paul is on a morphine drip while injecting crack cut with crazy. Why do they even let her be on the show or open her mouth anymore? Everything she says is either (a) irrelevant, (b) untrue, (c) impossible to comprehend, or (c) crazy as hell. JC Dreadz has lost the eye of the tiger and seems to have given up just shy of the mark- he looks like he could give a damn about the whole thing (but my my, is easy on the eyes!). Brookie is almost as crazy as Paula, and she looked like a psycho Barbie while singer my fave Monkees song. Cookie did well, I thought. Snore-eesha was forgettable other than her cute new hair-do and the fact that she was, inexplicably, barefoot. And Baby Davey committed some serious crimes last night- he was such a pandering little shit on both songs and "Coming to America" was SUCH a cheap shot- wrapping oneself in the flag on these types of shows is always irritating and fake and guaranteed to win votes. Worked for Kristy Lee Cook. But the very fact that KLC already DID IT, just a few weeks ago, made it all the more unforgiveable for Mr. Squinty. I'm starting to hate him.

My predictions- bottom two will be Snore-eesha and JC Dreadz, with Brookie missing it by the skin of her teeth. Gone tonight- Snore-eesha (I've been saying that for three weeks now) b/c if she's one of America's top 4 faves then America has gotten it very wrong.

Cjengo said...

Girl I posted an AI updated on my blog too. I cannot believe they had Andrew Lloyd Weber one weekend and Neil Diamond the next. I personally like AW ok, but at the Bass hall not on AI! I mean what do they think these kids are?? No wonder they murdered the songs. My poor lil Jason Castro...sigh. He just butchered everything didn't he? He is a Jack Johnson not a Neil Diamond. Anyway, my prediction for the big winner will be David Cook. At least I hope he is the big winner because if David Archuletta (aka scooter)wins I will be pissed!!!!!!!!!!

Claudia said...

Jurl: I am so glad this season of AI is almost over. These past few weeks have been so pitiful. How do they expect these kids to do well picking from a song catalogue they have probably never heard in their lives. Oh, and a friend gave me a Neil Diamond CD for my birthday back in law school. uhh, thanks, dude. Neil Diamond is your favorite singer not mine. I hate Neil Diamond. It literally became a coaster in my cubicle.
Ok, so please tell me you watch So You Think You Can Dance... If you do, I can't wait to hear your commentary on that show.

jurl said...

I do not watch So You Think You Can Dance, but I may just check it out.

ATGAL said...

SYTYCD (So You Think You can Dance) is THE BEST! You MUST watch- it starts May 22. Its like American Idol but with dancing-- except they are much better dancers than the AI kids are singers. It is so great- you will LOVE it...