Thursday, May 1, 2008

Fed Up Jurl

American Idol producers, directors, svengalis, please stop making these kids perform as a group like they're the mother fuc*in Brady Bunch Come on Get Happy Partridge Dorks. It's really starting to piss me off.

All of these variety show segments suck a-holes, but last night's Diamond medley blew a-holes. I can't take much more.

Was Archuleta wearing a Members Only jacket? And I failed to previously mention Brooke's crazy glitter eye shadow. Who's dressing these kids, a time-traveling hooker from the 1980s?

David Cook- for the love of God, man, stop putting your hands together in prayer with the head nod in silent "thank you" to the world. I hate you.

Syesha- I've decided you should tour the resort circuit with your kinda Broadway, kinda boring as hell act.

JC- at least you seemed less stoned.

Archuleta- I may kill you.

Brooke- Farewell, I loved you, but was growing weary of your deep throat crooning.

As for the rest of the train wreck....

Natash Bedingfield's pants looked stupid- there were buttons all over the place and was that a purse strap slung across her front? Was she afraid JC would steal her purse? And someone plese alert the authorities that she is a sexual predator-note the inappropriate touching of Scooter Archuleta.

Why is it drunk/stoned people can't speak coherently, but are physically capable of gross motor skills as Paula demonstrated with her dancing during the musical numbers?

I Tivoed through Dorian Grey's performance because I have a weak stomach. Can you believe his mother is still alive?!? Poor old thing thought she was at Bingo.

A.I. has taught me something about myself- no matter how much I like you I will turn on you like a psycho-bitch ex-girlfriend faster than Archuleta will close his eyes.

I've also figured out I should be a judge on one of these talent contests. Someone PLEASE put me in the seat of judgment! If given the opportunity I pledge to make pithy remarks and be as cruel as possible. I promise my hair will always look great and I will develop catch-phrases like, "I don't know dude, that stunk like ass." And I promise to call them out not just on their lack of talent, but also their lack of style, personality, and hygiene.

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