I had a near death experience today as I left my office to pick up my soul-suckers, I mean children. Unaware that disaster was about to strike, I rode down in the elevator happily chatting and laughing with my friend V. Let me chronicle the dramatic events that followed the elevator ride: the elevator doors opened; I stepped out; I dropped my purse; my keys fell out of my purse; my keys fell into the elevator shaft; I yelped and dropped on all fours faster than a back-alley hooker.
Peering into the dark crack in the elevator threshold, I saw my keys wedged between the bottom of the elevator and the building. As I began shoving my arm down the elevator shaft it occurred to me that the doors were going to chop my head off. I looked up at V and a complete stranger that had the misfortune to ride in the elevator with me and said, "Don't let the doors close on my head!!"
V held the doors back and Kind Stranger pushed the "Help! I've dropped my keys" button. A voice came squawking out of the elevator.
Elevator: "Can I help you?"
Kind Stranger: "Yeah, this lady has dropped her keys down the elevator...."
Elevator: static....ok....static....we'll asjdfiawefj...static..."
Kind Stranger: "O.K."
Kind Stranger and V: "They're coming to help."
While on all fours with ass in the air, several people stopped by to check out the accident scene. One woman thought I was sick and, apparently, throwing up in the elevator shaft. A nice fellow offered to help, but inquired if I had a coat hanger on me. Hmmm. Nope, no coat hangers. If I had a freaking coat hanger I would have fished them out myself!
Building guy finally showed up with his walkie talkie and told us to let the car doors close because it could damage the elevator. The elevator! What about my bleepin keys! He assured me they would get my keys so I decided I better call Husband and tell him to pick up his kids.
Me: "Hey, you gotta get the kids because I've dropped my keys down the elevator shaft."
Husband: "Come again?"
Me: "You heard me. I dropped my keys down the elevator shaft."
Husband: "Are you retarded?"
Me: "Just go get the kids."
Husband: "No, seriously, are you retarded?"
Me: "Get the kids!"
Husband: "Do you need a special helmet?"
Me: "You're not helping, dillweed."
Husband: "I'll get you a helmet so you won't hurt yourself."
Me: "Love you, bye!
A few minutes later the elevator guy showed up with my keys--disaster averted. I would live to see another elevator ride!
Thanks to V for hanging with me to make sure I got my keys or had a ride out of there.
The funny thing is, for a second, as I saw my keys tumble into the void, I felt like all was lost. Like I would never be able to leave my building and would die in the lobby.....keyless. Which is really weird since I only have two keys that matter, car and house, and we have spares for both.
Elevators scare me. Keep a grip on your keys, jurls.