Friday, April 25, 2008

Negligent Jurl

Dear Jake:

Yesterday I left your ten-moth old, butterball self in the middle of my bed while I attended to a work crisis. I ran to the kitchen where I had my laptop set up so I could resolve the current lawyer catastrophe and when I heard you crying I felt bad, but thought you were just mad at being left alone so I finished my e-mail. When I ran back into the bedroom you were not on the bed. I could hear you crying, but in my panicked state could not locate you. I finally found you lying on the floor with your fat head wedged between the nightstand and the bed. You were not happy. Trust, I cried longer than you did. You escaped with a bump on your head, but my psyche will forever be scarred.

In order to make up for my lapse in parenting judgment, I make this pledge to you:

When you turn sixteen I will extend your curfew until 2:00 a.m.

I will not solicit a prostitute for you, but I will look the other way when I find a stash of Playboy magazines under your bed.

I will buy you a car (you're paying for the gas).

I will accept a "C" Average (I'm pretty sure you're an under achiever anyway).

I will not make you clean up your room (but don't let your filth trickle out in my hallway).

I will let you watch "R" rated movies at 15.

Drug use and smoking are still forbidden, but I will let you get a tattoo of Snoopy (where no one can see it).

I'll make your sister do your chores. Oh wait, I let her fall off the diaper changing table when she was a year old....I guess I'll be doing both your chores.

On second thought, you won't remember your four foot fall (your sister doesn't remember hers) and I'm already getting over it, so never mind.

Love,

Perfect Mommy

5 comments:

Lawmom said...

You've only dropped each kid once? You're not negligent, you're a super hero. I know this because I, too, have dropped my kids once each. I dropped L. when she was 4 days old. I was feeding her, I fell asleep, and she rolled off the bed onto the hardwood floor. I too cried longer than she did. When A. started walking, he went upstairs-- that in and of itself was pretty bad because he was still a bit unsteady. I heard this screaming coming from upstairs, but I just figured his father had put him down for a nap and he was resisting. He kept crying for I don't know how long-- probably 3 minutes, but when I saw what was going on, I felt like it had been 30 minutes. He had crawled onto one of the drawers in his night stand and it fell over on him. He was stuck under his nightstand and I ignored him because I thought he was just protesting his nap. So it happens. As long as it's the exception rather than the rule, I think we're still perfect mommies. Oh, and we can think back to their drops and falls when they're 16 and trying to ruin our lives with their attitudes and terrible decisions. And then we can secretly smile.

Claudia said...

Ahhhh... you guys just made me laugh and made me feel so much better. I haven't dropped my second child yet (she's only 3 1/2 mos.), but I have bonked her head on a door frame as I carry her and multitask. (She wasn't too hurt and yes, i cried longer than she did). This is too funny and something only a mother could understand. Thanks again for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

forget the bumb on the head...he could have soffocated. Hey, I've done similiar things and it makes me realize that we could lose a baby in the blink of an eye. so scary!

Beverly said...

LOL!!

jurl said...

He landed face up so suffocation was slim, but had he landed face down.... Poor Jake, I dropped him at church (safely landed on padded chair), fell over our hallway gate (toddler barricade) while carrying him, and knock his head around all the time. I dropped the phone and the remote on Sam's head so many times I'm surprised she doesn't have brain damage. Take heart, Claudia-those little bastards are resilient.