Friday, May 16, 2008

Left Behind Jurl

I've never been an "End Times" believer, but the other night I had an experience that convinced me the Apocalypse is near, nigh, it's here. While innocently flipping channels I stumbled onto evidence of Christ's eminent return to do battle with Satan (or Ryan Seacrest): The Price Is Right on during prime time. On during prime time!! Prime time!

The sight of overly excited contestants with large bouncing bosoms accompanied by the sounds of bells, dings, and Drew Carey, shook me to my core. I checked the clock. No, I had not fallen into a time warp or accidentally gotten drunk on children's Benadryl, it was indeed 7:00 p.m. I jabbed at the remote to move on from the garish circus-like game show, only to land on Deal or No Deal, another pre-cursor to the apocalypse!

I began to shake and to believe. I ran to the window and peered out to see a blood red moon! Pretty sure that one's in the Bible. Full of fear (cause I may have punched a one-way ticket to hell with my behavior thus far), I went in search of my family, but they had disappeared. I'd been left behind!! The thing that really got me was Husband had been right all along, he was perfect!!! Damn, him. Oops! That's the kind of talk that got me stranded on Earth after the rapture.

As I wandered around my eerily empty house, I found more evidence for the end of the world. The den was picked up, the trash was no longer overflowing out of the trash can with a second bag of trash sitting on the floor, and the dishwasher-gasp- was empty!

I started looking for my Bible to help me figure out what comes next, but I was distracted by the banging of the back door.

I turned to see Samantha and Husband, who was holding Jake, come through the door.

"Where were you guys?!" I demanded, feeling relieved that Jeff wasn't so perfect after all.

"Taking out the trash." Husband explained matter-of-factly as if Revelations was not unfolding all around us.

"Who picked-up and unloaded the dishwasher?" I asked with fear.

"I did. Who do you think?"

I sat down at the kitchen table. "Husband, the Apocalypse is here."

"That's not funny. I do stuff around here all the time," He said without a clue.

"No, you don't and the Price Is Right is on. Right now." I said, waiting for the horrible truth to sink in to his male brain.

"The Price Is Right? Huh. With Drew Carey? Are you watching it?"

"No! It's a sign of the End Times!"

Husband shook his head in denial. "When you go a day without farting, that'll be the End Times."

"That hurts. Didn't you see the blood red moon?"

"The moon is normal colored. See for yourself." He pointed out the kitchen window and I followed his gaze to find a perfectly normal looking moon. Hmmm. I went back to the window I'd viewed the moon from and found someone had colored it with red marker.

Regardless of the state of the moon, Husband performed unsolicited cleaning and The Price Is Right was on when something good should have been, so Husband can believe what he wants, I'm gonna straighten up and fly right. Well, today anyway.

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