Pretty In Pink came in today with a proposal. She said to me, with great seriousness, "I'm going to do something and I think you should do it with me. It will be good for you, it will broaden your horizons."
I replied cautiously, "O.K.....what are we doing?"
"Getting our va-jay-jay waxed."
Visibly shaken I exclaimed, "What! Why?! We don't do that?! Why would you do that?"
"Because I'm going to Miami where I'll be wearing a swimsuit and have to get that business cleaned up."
"What business? Your hair shorts?"
I giggled because come to think of it, when your pubes grow past the designated area it does look a bit like mutton chops. Still, I was horrified, "Just shave it."
PIP shook her head, "I can't. It's too much."
"Then get some clippers! Who's gonna do it anyway?"
"The lady who does my pedicure. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted her to have seen my vagina and still do my feet, but she says she sees butt all day and it's no big deal."
"Butt?! Why do they have to do your butt-mohawk!?"
"I don't know!"
"It's really gonna hurt."
"Well, she gave me some Lidocaine to rub on it..."
Something about a drug dealing manicurist didn't sound right to me. "Lidocaine? Can she do that? Don't you need a prescription?"
"Uh...I don't know."
"I don't think I can do this, anyway. I'm too fat."
"Yes, you can. I asked her if she does fat people and she says she does all shapes and sizes."
"Ugh. What if she can't find it under my gut? What if she has to send for assistance?"
PIP pointed her well-manicured finger at me, "Listen, you need new experiences for your blog. Think of yourself as a journalist!"
"Like I'm going undercover in the seedy world of vag clean up?"
PIP gave me a triumphant look, "Exactly!"
"Alright, but let me try something out first."
I then laid down on the floor of my office and stuck one leg in the air, feeling for where my gut hit.
"Well, I guess it'll work. I thought my apron would hit around knee level, but it's actually just above the lady garden."
After climbing back in my chair I gave in, "I guess I'll do it. I'm scared."
With a look of true terror, PIP said, "I am too."
"And your sharing some of that Lidocaine with me."
Our appointments are next Tuesday. I told the receptionist I'd never been professionally groomed so she might want to block out some extra time. Look for my review to describe humiliation, terror, and pain.