Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Blood Curdling Jurl

Yesterday I had to take Jake to the doctor for an ear check and while there I had an epiphany. Sitting in the waiting room a little girl started screaming when the nurse called her name, kicking off an afternoon of screaming kids apparently being tortured by various pediatricians.

By the time Tubbs (aka Jake) and I were deposited in a patient room to do some more waiting, I was about to lose it from all the screaming kids surrounding us. Luckily, my little butter Tub was not crying, but still, children screaming even when they're not yours will set your teeth on edge. Just before a section of my brain exploded right out of my skull I had my epiphany. These screaming kids are on to something! When you're in the doctor's office you should probably always be screaming!

I often want to scream in about the second hour of waiting at my OBGYN! My OBGYN is a sneaky mother f***er (I'd write the word, but my mother is going ape shit over my language in this blog). First they have you wait with the general public in the main waiting room for about thirty minutes, then they call your name only to usher you into a VIP (very impatient person)second waiting area where you wait at least twenty minutes. By the time you're waiting (at least another fifteen minutes) on the table with with your ass hangin out of your gown, you are more than ready to scream your head off!

I can also think of a few times (especially during pregnancy) when I felt very real pain, but bit my lip instead of screaming bloody murder. Like when I was nine months pregnant and my doctor shoved her hand up my hoo-ha until she hit my trachea. When she said, "Oh, wait. I went right past your cervix" I should have kicked her in the head and screamed till the police came. And by the way, how do you go past someone's cervix? Isn't there some kind of lady parts ceiling or gate?

I also think screaming and hysterical crying is appropriate when you get any kind of bad news. Just let it rip. So what if the doctor is uncomfortable? They just gave you bad news and will be moving on to their next patient! Who cares if other patients hear you and think somebody must be skinning an alley cat! They're gonna get their own bad news and when they do I hope they lean into the doctor's face and scream like a banshee.

It's bad for us grown-ups to keep all that fear and fury locked inside. Let it out, I say! Don't bite your lip or grunt while straining not to explode. Just go with it. If nothing else, think of the hilarious look you'll see on the doctor's face.

So, when the doctor keeps you waiting cry and scream.

When the OBGYN uses the El Superior Grande Speculum on your teeny tiny vaginey, cry, scream, and kick.

And when the doctor comes in and says you got the cancer (God, forbid) go ahead and destroy that doctor's office. Maybe even take a dump in the trash can. Whatever. Go crazy.

1 comment:

Beverly said...

We must have the same OB or else they teach that sneaky trick in OB school!