Saturday, July 26, 2008

Dominating Jurl

I recently watched an episode of My Secret Life As A Call Girl, a British import now on Showtime, where the head call girl (pardon the pun) tries to be a dominatrix, naturally leading me to consider this as a part-time job for myself, dominatrix not a call girl, and there is a difference to be sure. According to the show, and since I get all my facts from television it must be true, a dominatrix doesn't have sex they just beat up on people and abuse them verbally. Sounds pretty darn good to me, but let's explore.

Now, for some, the dominatrix sounds a lot like wife without the cash favor, but in my house I don't get to abuse anybody (except myself) and nothings free. If I want a foot rub I must purchase with a sex act as my marriage relies on the barter system for almost everything. In a way, I'm the call girl working for the low, low fee of an inferior foot massage. Can you believe that shit?

But could I be a dominatrix? It appears there are a few requirements for dominating weirdos.

1. dark make-up- easily purchased at CVS- check!

2. shiny, plastic clothing- I have yards of saran wrap that could easily be spray painted black- check!

3. a bad attitude- check! check!!

4. platform shoes, also shiny, or shoes with ice pick heels- um, this one I'm a bit shaky on...if I could stay seated the entire time, shouting insults from the couch I could make it work-semi-check.

5. riding crop- I have several fairy wands in my possession that should work just as well- check!

6. affection for violence- I've got this one covered like a mug- I often have very vivid visuals of chopping someone to death with a blood spattered ax or squeezing some one's neck until their head pops off- triple check!!!

7. ability to take charge and be superior- hmmm...this one might be a little tougher for taking charge goes something like this..."how would you prefer to be debased? Uh, if you want to lick my shoes I guess that's cool (cringe inside from disgust)....I hope I didn't hurt your feelings when I called you a sniveling piece of dookey....did I hit you too hard with my fairy wand???" The other problem would be my serious lack of superiority. How could I concentrate on being a bad ass dominatrix when thinking, "does this saran wrap make me look fat?"

Well, six out of seven ain't bad. So, if you're looking for a chubby, saran-wrapped, considerate, somewhat lazy, but violent dominatrix, I'm your girl. Though it would cost you considerably more than a foot rub....maybe a back massage...but, no touching my back sniveling piece of dookey...sorry about that.

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