Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Some Jurls Aren't Made For Every Momma Moment

People with kids always think their kids shite don't stink, literally. My whole life I have gagged, almost puked, when someone plopped down their stinky kid and changed a diaper bomb right in front of me.

As I gasped for air, trying to hold back the puke wave, the parent in question would say, "oh, you are so silly! What are you gonna do when YOU have kids?"

I would reply, "I'm having poop-free kids or I'll spew chunks all over their private bits."

And then the line that all parents say to non-parents, "When it's your kid, it's not gross."

That is a lie. A big one. Right up there with giving birth isn't so bad and having your lady garden waxed isn't weird. Dookie stinks no matter who it's coming from and maybe especially if it's coming from my kids because no matter what we feed them it comes out ham-chili.

Though I haven't vomited on my kids, I've come real close. Like the time Sam covered me in explosive diarrhea and I almost passed out.

Or like last night when Sam threw up her spaghetti everywhere and I kept stepping in it while trying to clean it up. I kept looking for noodles on the floor, but couldn't locate them until my barefoot squished down on the cold, sticky, sick noodles.

Oh, and the smell! Sweet and sour stomach acid covering sheets, rugs, baby dolls, my kid! It's in these moments, picking half-digested food out of Sam's hair, I doubt my commitment to motherhood. Gag.


Claudia said...

OMG! I laughed so hard I cried and the paralegal in the cube across the hall from me asked me if I was ok because the laughter kind of sounded like sobs! My kids have been sick for the past two weeks. they kind of just pass things back and forth to each other and apparently Amoxicillin gives kids diarrhea. Who knew!

Beverly said...

I hear you Jurl!! Glenys puked down my back one day and I almost dropped her. My mom happened to be there to encourage me to hang on. The only other worse thing is cat or dog puke of which I have GADS of experience!!

jurl said...

Claudia- you probably were crying from the train wreck that is motherhood, but at some point the sobbing morphs into laughter. Hope your kids get to feelin better.

Beverly- the warm, then quickly cold, puke running down your back is a discomfort I'm also familiar with. Ugh. Once Sam puked and it got in my mouth. I cried.