Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Back to the Future Jurl

If given the chance to hop in a souped up Delorian and cruise back to what is increasingly becoming my hazy days of youth, I would run, not walk, to see my little pudgy self and drop some major wisdom. Wisdom such as:

Do not wear hose with sandals.
Do not drink Tequila shots.
Do not take a bite of a hundred year old ginger bread house no matter how tempting.
Do not worry about flunking geometry- you'll never use it anyway.
When you think a guy might be shady, listen to yourself because he is.
Whatever you do, don't go to law school.
Do not make out with any of your guy friends- bad girl!
Take a risk every so often.
Take a chance every chance you get.
Do not, do not ever make yourself throw-up.
Do not take fourteen laxatives- you'll wish you were dead.
Drop the guilt because you've never done anything to feel that bad about.
Do not wear panty hose to Six Flags as the resulting thigh burn will scar.
High School will evaporate the second you graduate.
Sex does not equal love.
Crazy sex positions does not equal good sex (and don't read Cosmo).
Do your kegels when you're pregnant.
Who are you? Figure it out.
Don't go upstairs to Dr. Moore's office at 1:00 a.m.- naughty girl.
Do not let the plastic surgery nurses talk you into huge bonker boobs.
Do not forget your sunscreen.
Do not let that weird guy friend attempt sex with you because telling him you don't see him that way while he's mid-insertion is awkward, really, really awkward.
Do not lose touch with friends you cherish.
Do not underestimate the hard work that goes into marriage- it's a bitch.
Do not leave the restroom without double checking your skirt in the back.
Do not lose yourself in the hopes and dreams of others.
Wear a hat in San Antonio because the Riverwalk birds like to crap on your head.
Do not take anything of value to Cabo because you're going to get robbed.
Electric blue eyeliner never looks good on anyone.
Take it easy on the hot rollers.
Do not play amazon river without shoes because you'll cut your foot open.
Do not back-talk your mother- it's freaking hard to be a parent.
Do not go to prom looking like a Spanish prostitute.
Do not write a paper for the guy in high school you're crushing on- he's not even close to worth it.
Boone's Strawberry Hill is not wine.
Do try to make out with that guy in Oxford.
Do not take Logic or French in college.
Do not forget to Tivo The View- you really love Hot Topics.
Do not ignore me because now that you know better I expect you to do better.


I guess that last one works as well at 36 as 16.

5 comments:

BoBono said...

Looks to me like you did a bit of 8& 9 along the way already! All these things make up pieces of who you are. We have to learn to embrace our "mistakes" as nothing more than stepping stones on the way to where we are now and where we're going to be tomorrow.

Now if I could just go back to the night of the tatoo...that really hasn't helped me grow at all!

Claudia said...

When you go back in time, can you mail this list to the me from the past and tel her it's real good advice... especially the tequila one, and the don't take logic or french one. =)

amy said...

Hi-Larious

Holly Golightly said...

Very good post-- put it in your "best of file."

jurl said...

bobono- You are so right. And I'm sure the tatoo has taught you the valuable lesson of skin care so that it doesn't travel from, let's say, your lower back to you mid-ass crack.

Claudia- I'm on it. I will highlight those particular passages.

Amy- thanks, jurl.

Holly- mucho gracias. I was thinking of a "best of file" but wasn't sure what was worthy so this one is for sure in. That's one!