Here's another tip for uncomfortable social situations:
Sometimes even the best jurlfriends hurt each others feelings, especially if you're running with a pack (I prefer pack to herd for obvious weight-related reasons) of jurls. A pack of jurls can be a dangerous thing because, in a moment of instability, the pack might turn on one of their own. The pack jurls may not even realize that they've gone from friendly conversation to full on attack mode when suddenly one little jurl becomes the focus of razor sharp criticism. Meanwhile, the targeted jurl probably lacks the ability to tell her friends she's getting madder and sadder by the second so she takes it in the ass until finally there is a passive-aggressive explosion where the lone jurl runs away.
This phenomenon usually occurs when one jurl starts to tease another and then two or three other jurls jump on that bandwagon turning harmless teasing to harpie harassment in a heart beat. At first, the singled out jurl won't realize what's happening, but when five minutes pass with her friends giving her the what for and all attempts to defend herself only bringing more ire, it'll dawn on her that something has gone horribly wrong with the jurl dynamic. Sadly, by the time this poor jurl gets a clue she's knee deep in a pack attack and, faced with this horror, will shut-down, making things even worse when she's accused of being passive-aggressive (and all jurls hate passive-aggressive behavior despite all jurls being passive-aggressive at least occasionally).
Luckily, PIP came up with a perfect solution to this pack problem. When a jurl is feeling like she's being unfairly picked on by her jurlfriends she simply says, "You bitches are assholes!" This simple phrase will alert the other pack members that they've gone too far so they can reign it in before any real damage is done. It's best to brief the pack on the code-phrase so they know you're only kind of calling them bitchy assholes.
Another jurl problem solved!
Showing posts with label jurl friend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jurl friend. Show all posts
Friday, October 17, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Contractual Jurl
To prove I have the best jurl friends in the world, I submit to you the contract Taz drafted to keep me on my path to self-redemption:
AGREEMENT OF JURL
This Agreement of Misti Dawn Mosteller (this “Agreement”), is between Misti Dawn Mosteller (“Jurl”), an individual and resident of the State of Texas, and ______, an individual and resident of the State of Texas (“Taz”). This Agreement is made effective this 14th day of September, 2008 (the “Effective Date”).
R E C I T A L S
WHEREAS, on September 12, 2008, Jurl and Taz did enter into certain negotiations whereby Jurl agreed to (i) limit self-defeating behavior and (ii) commit to certain positive habits; and
WHEREAS, Jurl is one awesome and amazing friend of Taz, and Taz is desirous of seeing Jurl succeed in all aspects of Jurl’s life.
T E R M S A N D C O N D I T I O N S
NOW THEREFORE, for and in consideration of two glasses of red wine, the mutual premises contained herein and for other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the undersigned parties hereto agree as follows:
1. NO FLY ZONE. Jurl shall not allow anyone, especially spouse of Jurl, to make negative comments about Jurl, whether in the form of a seemingly benign comment, joke or sarcasm under any circumstance whatsoever (collectively referred to herein as “Negative Bullshit”). Jurl shall use her best efforts to curtail Negative Bullshit from spouse and/or certain frienemies with a polite but firm rebuke.
2. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. Jurl shall not tolerate Negative Bullshit from anyone, especially Jurl herself. Jurl shall immediately cease and desist all written, oral or telepathic forms of Negative Bullshit about Jurl.
3. MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL. Each morning, Jurl shall look in a mirror and tell Jurl three things that make Jurl awesome. Jurl shall use her best efforts to see Jurl as Taz sees Jurl.
4. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD, JURL. Jurl shall use her best efforts to banish Negative Bullshit from thoughts. Jurl shall “get out of her head” and think of positive, Jurl affirming attributes, of which Taz attests are numerous.
5. SUCCESSFUL JURL. Jurl shall spend fifteen minutes three times a week researching various ways to further Jurl’s writing career. Jurl shall follow up on each idea and shall provide written, weekly progress reports to Taz of said research.
6. GO AHEAD, BITCH, AND TELL ME “NO”. Jurl shall not be afraid to be told “No.”
7. LIQUIDATED DAMAGES. The parties understand that failure of Jurl to comply with any of the terms or provisions of this Agreement will result in immediate and irreparable harm to both Jurl and Taz. Therefore, as liquidated damages, Taz reserves the right to beat Jurl with a wet noodle if Jurl breaches any provision of this Agreement.
8. FURTHER ASSURANCES. The parties hereto covenant and agree that they will execute such other and further documents and instruments as are or may become necessary or convenient to effectuate and carry out the objectives of this Agreement.
9. SEVERABILITY. If any provision contained in this Agreement is held to be invalid, illegal or unenforceable in any respect, such invalidity, illegality, or unenforceability shall not affect any other provision hereof, and this Agreement shall be construed as if such invalid, illegal or unenforceable provi¬sion had never been contained herein.
10. COUNTERPARTS. This Agreement may be executed in several counterparts, each of which will be deemed to be an original, and each of which alone and all of which together, shall constitute one and the same instrument. This Agreement may be transmitted by facsimile, and it is the intent of the parties for the facsimile of any autograph printed by a receiving facsimile machine to be an original signature and for the facsimile and any complete photocopy of this Agreement to be deemed an original counterpart.
The undersigned do hereby agree to the terms and conditions of this Agreement as of the Effective Date.
JURL: TAZ:
_________________________________ __________________________________
Am I a lucky Jurl or what? If you too have a running tape in your head that you're not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not whatever enough, then you need to copy this contract, make it work for you, and sign that bitch.
Love you jurls!
AGREEMENT OF JURL
This Agreement of Misti Dawn Mosteller (this “Agreement”), is between Misti Dawn Mosteller (“Jurl”), an individual and resident of the State of Texas, and ______, an individual and resident of the State of Texas (“Taz”). This Agreement is made effective this 14th day of September, 2008 (the “Effective Date”).
R E C I T A L S
WHEREAS, on September 12, 2008, Jurl and Taz did enter into certain negotiations whereby Jurl agreed to (i) limit self-defeating behavior and (ii) commit to certain positive habits; and
WHEREAS, Jurl is one awesome and amazing friend of Taz, and Taz is desirous of seeing Jurl succeed in all aspects of Jurl’s life.
T E R M S A N D C O N D I T I O N S
NOW THEREFORE, for and in consideration of two glasses of red wine, the mutual premises contained herein and for other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the undersigned parties hereto agree as follows:
1. NO FLY ZONE. Jurl shall not allow anyone, especially spouse of Jurl, to make negative comments about Jurl, whether in the form of a seemingly benign comment, joke or sarcasm under any circumstance whatsoever (collectively referred to herein as “Negative Bullshit”). Jurl shall use her best efforts to curtail Negative Bullshit from spouse and/or certain frienemies with a polite but firm rebuke.
2. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. Jurl shall not tolerate Negative Bullshit from anyone, especially Jurl herself. Jurl shall immediately cease and desist all written, oral or telepathic forms of Negative Bullshit about Jurl.
3. MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL. Each morning, Jurl shall look in a mirror and tell Jurl three things that make Jurl awesome. Jurl shall use her best efforts to see Jurl as Taz sees Jurl.
4. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD, JURL. Jurl shall use her best efforts to banish Negative Bullshit from thoughts. Jurl shall “get out of her head” and think of positive, Jurl affirming attributes, of which Taz attests are numerous.
5. SUCCESSFUL JURL. Jurl shall spend fifteen minutes three times a week researching various ways to further Jurl’s writing career. Jurl shall follow up on each idea and shall provide written, weekly progress reports to Taz of said research.
6. GO AHEAD, BITCH, AND TELL ME “NO”. Jurl shall not be afraid to be told “No.”
7. LIQUIDATED DAMAGES. The parties understand that failure of Jurl to comply with any of the terms or provisions of this Agreement will result in immediate and irreparable harm to both Jurl and Taz. Therefore, as liquidated damages, Taz reserves the right to beat Jurl with a wet noodle if Jurl breaches any provision of this Agreement.
8. FURTHER ASSURANCES. The parties hereto covenant and agree that they will execute such other and further documents and instruments as are or may become necessary or convenient to effectuate and carry out the objectives of this Agreement.
9. SEVERABILITY. If any provision contained in this Agreement is held to be invalid, illegal or unenforceable in any respect, such invalidity, illegality, or unenforceability shall not affect any other provision hereof, and this Agreement shall be construed as if such invalid, illegal or unenforceable provi¬sion had never been contained herein.
10. COUNTERPARTS. This Agreement may be executed in several counterparts, each of which will be deemed to be an original, and each of which alone and all of which together, shall constitute one and the same instrument. This Agreement may be transmitted by facsimile, and it is the intent of the parties for the facsimile of any autograph printed by a receiving facsimile machine to be an original signature and for the facsimile and any complete photocopy of this Agreement to be deemed an original counterpart.
The undersigned do hereby agree to the terms and conditions of this Agreement as of the Effective Date.
JURL: TAZ:
_________________________________ __________________________________
Am I a lucky Jurl or what? If you too have a running tape in your head that you're not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not whatever enough, then you need to copy this contract, make it work for you, and sign that bitch.
Love you jurls!
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