Friday, September 26, 2008

Tips for Jurls

Like Catwoman returning to the scene of a crime, I've been back on cosmopolitan.com gathering more sex advice, this time from the Cosmo guys:


I can't be the only guy who loves when a woman licks that soft patch of skin in front of my ears.- Jamie, 23

Sure you can, Jamie, or should I call you Wet Willy?! Uh, by "patch of skin" do you mean face? Pretty sure face licking isn't a common love making skill amongst us humans. Now, if you said you liked your ding-dong licked I would say, "of course you do."

My girlfriend pretended to not want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately. Ron, 25

Ron, in most places that's called date rape. Maybe she wasn't pretending. Maybe your breath smells like ass. Or maybe she hates you.

A little known erogenous zone: the area between a guy's navel and his penis. Lick it, tickle it, or gently tug the hairs there. Cesar, 28

Gee, thanks Cesar. I'm pretty sure all us ladies know that any area within a foot of the penis is an erogenous zone. In fact, pretty much any area on any man is an erogenous zone. I make sure I don't accidentally bump into my husband unless I'm ready for sex because even a casual brush can start a fire. For example, the other night in bed I accidentally nudged his knee with my heel and he said, "Well, now you're going to have to do something about it." Huh? I guess knees are also erogenous zones.

A major reason guys dig missionary: when a woman lies back and raises her arms, her boobs are at their fullest and bounciest. Gabe, 20

Um, Gabe, this is only true for ladies your age. When ladies of a certain age lie back with their arms raised they suddenly have nipples in their armpits. No, a woman of a certain age, when on her back, needs to cradle both those bad boys in her crossed-arms to get them where God put them. But, don't worry, there will always be twenty year old boobs for you to date no matter how old you are.

Make me explode during doggie-style sex by turning your face to the side and making out with me. Paul, 35

Paul, is one of you a giraffe?

Stay silent as you approach orgasm. The way your face scrunches up says more than words. Sal, 28

Great, Sal, that makes it a lot easier to fake. (and the way her face scrunches up might be saying "I'm missing Grey's for this?")

Brush your teeth with minty toothpaste before you go down on me. I'll feel extra shivery. Patrick, 24

Sure, if you'll brush your ding-dong with minty toothpaste so it won't taste like a gym sock. It won't make me extra shivery, but it won't make me gag.

Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast you can. Jaime, 28

Okaaaaay, but that sounds like a wicked Indian burn. Should I thump it too?

Flick just the tip of my penis with your tongue. It would take hours for me to climax this way, but man, what a way to pass the time! Keith, 22

Yeah, what a way to pass the time. I can't think of a better way to spend my time than flicking the tip of ding-a-ling with my tongue for hours. Except, maybe, flicking the tip of a knife over the tip of your penis for hours.


All of these helpful sex tips plus lots more even helpfullier tips can be found on cosmopolitan.com. Good luck, brave vaginas...er...souls.

5 comments:

Holly Golightly said...

Seriously, Cosmo is for the recently single or the never-been-married. Or the under 25 set. The rules are different for married people or the over 25 sexually active humans. A little knee fondling followed up by an unenthusiastic beejer does the trick for the unpublished lovers. Don't let Cosmo make you feel lazy or uninspired. It's a marathon out there, not a sprint.

Cjengo said...

Oh my word. I did my makeup before reading that and I will have to go re-do it because I am crying from laughing! Even my husband cracked up!

Claudia said...

Too freakin' funy!!! I have to remember to finish drinking before reading. Almost had sparkling water up the nose. =) Thanks for the laughs, Jurl.

jurl said...

Thanks, jurls. There are even more hilarious sound bites on cosmo, but they were too x-rated even for moi to post. I must confess, I caught part of a skin-o-max and, apparently, you can do it doggie style AND make out at the same time without being a giraffe. But, I'm sure being flexible helps a lot.

Kiki said...

Cosmo is a waste of paper and web space. Seriously.