PIP has pitched a new story for me to think about writing, but never finish....
Chuck "Chunky" Funkerstein never quite fit in with the other kids. Maybe it was because he smelled like soup or maybe it was because he'd always been a fat kid in a world that hates the unpleasantly plump. Or maybe it was just Chunky Funkerstein's destiny to be different.
Chunky Funkerstein's high school was a place of humiliation and cruelty, where Chunky Funkerstein was labeled "Funky Chunky" by the cool, thin kids. Despite his classmates repulsion at his soup smell, awkward social manner, and large gapron (gut apron), Chunky Funkerstein did his best to be like every other kid his age, attending pep rallies, football games, and singing in the school choir (Chunky Funkerstein had a lovely tenor). In moments of boldness and insanity, Chunky Funkerstein would reach out to fellow class mates:
"Hey, guys! Wanna come over and watch Phantom Menace at my house? My Mom made kettle corn...."
"Phantom Menace sucks, Funky Chunky, you fat bastard," said quarterback Steve.
"Yeah, besides we all know you like to yank your wank whenever you see Jar-Jar Binks!" said cheerleader Tiffany.
Yes, poor Chunky Funkerstein never seemed to fit in and thanks to a chance encounter in the dark of the night, he never would.
As Chunky Funkerstein walked home from another disappointing dance where he busted a move alone in the corner of the school gym, he was attacked by a creature out of a nightmare. A vampire, drunk on the blood of an alcoholic, mistook Chunky Funkerstein for a bison like those the vampire once wrestled on the western plains in a time when the land was filled with Indians instead of Starbucks and gas stations.
The vampire's name was Vander Puff von Schmrick and the moment he tasted the blood of Chunky Funkerstein he realized he'd made a mistake, but nonetheless a tasty one.
As Vander Puff von Schmrick savored Chunky Funkerstein's nacho flavored blood, he heard is victim mumble, "I never even got laid....."
In that moment, Vander Puff von Schmrick decided to take pity on poor Chunky Funkerstein, giving him the gift of immortality and a hunger for something other than french fries.....or so he thought.
You see, Chunky Funkerstein would not be like the other vampires because Chunky Funkerstein's blood wasn't like average human blood, it was heavily polluted with gravy and butter. The vampire blood he drank from Vander Puff von Schmrick mutated in the cholesterol choked arteries of Chunky Funkerstein and gave birth to a new kind of vampire- A vampire with a compulsive eating disorder.
Along with the vampire's thirst for blood, Chunky Funkerstein still hungered for Velveeta-smothered baked potatoes and chocolate milk shakes.
There were other differences, too. Chunky Funkerstein was the slowest moving vampire ever created, moving just slightly faster than a human woman on crutches. And while the other vampires flew to unbelievable heights, Chunky Funkerstein could levitate only six inches off the ground.
Vander Puff von Schmrick took Chunky Funkerstein into his nest of vampires, but, as always, Chunky Funkerstein had trouble fitting in. While the other vampires spent their evenings lounging around clubs with sex oozing from every pore and seducing unsuspecting, but very willing, blood donors, Chunky Funkerstein stayed home playing video games, eating Doritos, and not getting laid.
"Chunky! How many times do I have to tell you! You're a vampire! You can't eat human food anymore! Your body will repel it!" cried Vander Puff von Schmrick as he watched Chunky Funkerstein lick the orange insides of the Dorito bag.
"I can't help it Vander. I mean, have you ever had favor-blasted Doritos?" whined Chunky Funkerstein.
"No, they didn't have favor-blasted Doritos in 1492 which is the last time I had human food." sniffed Vander Puff von Schmrick.
"Man, you're missing out!" said Chunky Funkerstein as he threw up orange goo into the puke bucket he kept handy whenever indulging in the forbidden fruit of human food.
Vander Puff von Schmrick shook his head in disgust. "Chunky, I can't keep searching your coffin for food you've hidden in the satin lining. You have got to get control of this problem. And another thing, the other vampires are complaining about your detestable gas. Some are refusing to sleep in the same dungeon with you and your putrid digestion problems."
"I can't help it. I've always been a farter. My mom always said it was part of my charm...." said Chunky Funkerstein.
"I assure you it is far from charming." And with that Vander Puff von Schmrick swept from the room leaving Chunky Funkerstein alone with his Xbox 360 and a hidden stash of Oreo cookies.
Chunky Funkerstein has many challenges ahead as the fattest vampire to ever roam the Earth. Will he ever fit in?
I vant to eat your sandvich....
Thanks to PIP for the slow, fat vampire idea. I think this would be great on HBO as a companion piece to True Blood or maybe Showtime would be interested....
Oh, and PIP, since you pointed out I'm a great dreamer, but suck at follow through, don't you think contributing to my problem is just plain wrong?