Yesterday I got up at the ass crack of dawn to race (walk slowly) in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Here are some warnings I think they should issue so everyone knows what they're getting into when they sign up for this third circle of hell, I mean, good cause:
1. Your race t-shirt may cling to unsightly rolls and bulges.
2. You may (will) walk a 5k before reaching the 5k due the nearest parking spot being located in a neighboring state.
3. Hordes of people crowding around you may lead to a panic attack or a violent fit of rage.
4. One in every five racers will suffer a stroller-related injury.
5. Standing next to the strategically placed speakers while inspirational power ballads are blaring may cause permanent hearing damage.
6. Walking a 5k at a snail's pace feels like walking a 65K- shin splints a likely result.
7. One in every five racers will suffer a pot hole-related injury.
8. You will have to pee half way through. *Please don't bother the rich people living in the neighborhood you're walking through to let you use their facilities.
9. One in every five racers will have to poop half way through due to pre-race coffee consumption.
10. One in five racers will be trampled in a stampede resulting from fruit juice or wet wipe give-aways.
If we hook a left maybe we can beat the crowd to brunch.