Lately, Tubbs has started waking up at 6:00 a.m. and it's killing me. I try a variety of methods to delay my bedport departure, like piling toys in his bed, putting him in his swing, pretending I'm deaf in the hopes that Husband will take charge (this is the least successful option), but this morning I tried scooping him up and bringing him to bed with me since Husband was away on a work retreat and Sam was enjoying a sleep over at Grandma's.
For a while he was a happy little snuggle bug, letting me hold him like a little baby Tubbs. When he got restless I rubbed his little back hoping baby massage would soothe him and it did, sort of, but while I was giving him a rub down I thought I felt a little tension in his baby shoulder muscles then I wondered what on Earth a baby has to be tense about?
When I thought about it, really thought about it, here's what I came up with:
Innermost thoughts of Tubbs McTubby:
1. Why do they keep calling me Tubbs? Is that like a butter tub? I'm not a butter tub! I'm a little guy! Does this diaper make me look fat?
2. It's been almost a week since I pooped in the tub and I'm still taking showers! When is that lazy nut job gonna clean out the tub? I can't get my thigh creases and private places clean in the shower! I need to be submerged in a foot of soapy bathwater! And I like drinking bathwater....
3. Why do they keep asking me to point out body parts?! Head, shoulders, knees, and toes! They all look a like to me! Who cares?! I need a pancake....
4. I think that other kid is trying to kill me. She pretends to hug me and next thing I know I'm on the floor, legs flailing, lights fading, and fighting for my life. I gotta have eyes in the back of my head.
5. First they want me to crawl, then they pester me to walk, and now they want me to talk! Oh, I'll talk alright, I'll talk and my first words will be "bite me".
6. Why does that other kid keep mooning me? As soon as I can stand up and pull my diaper down I'll give her an eye full.
7. I WANT SOME DIET COKE!
8. That scary penguin in my room keeps staring at me....I think it wants to kill me. Maybe he's in cahoots with that other kid living here....help me.
9. What is my life's purpose? Clapping? Looking cute? Destroying things? Surely there must be more to man's existence? Whoops, I made a stinky.
10. Sometimes I feel like no one understands me. I clearly ask for a pancake (la loo) and they hand me my milk cup! Then when I throw my milk cup to express my displeasure that big guy gets in my face and tells me, "no, no, Tubbs!" Wait a minute, maybe they understood my request for pancakes, but think I'm too fat?! Is that skim milk they're giving me?!
Poor Tubbs, I mean Jakey, has it rough. I think I'll give him a relaxing pedicure tonight.
What? I'm a stress eater.