Let me first paint you a quick picture of my family life:
I was born to two parents, but the parental units split when I was seven and, since my brilliant mother passed on college to instead marry her high school sweet heart and work to put him through school so he could have a great job, we moved in with my grandparents so Mom could get her bearings and save precious pennies.
The grandparents aka Gimmie and Grandad: to call my grandmother feisty would be an understatement. She once got thrown out of a basketball game for roughing the ref when she felt he was being unfair to her nephew. You didn't mess with her family. She had a little grey afro (she paid for the perm so it was hers) and steely grey eyes that could shrivel a man's genitalia in under sixty seconds. Oh, and she was an awesome cook. If I were a drug addict she would've been my dealer. No one loved family more than this lady and no one hated Tom Landry more than this lady. She passed away, taking a piece of me with her, in 1995. She was beautiful. And totally insane.
Grandad has been near deaf my whole life. He fought in WWII and still has some residual prejudice against the Japanese because "them dudes tried to kill" him. Prejudices aside, he is an adorable man and loved by everyone. In his working days, he was a carpenter, but really more like a wood working artist. He has always been the strongest man I've ever known and the most honest. He also has the biggest ears I've ever seen on a human. Oh, and he once brushed his dentures with Preparation H (that's asshole medication for those of you not in the know).
The Aunt & Uncle: my mother has one older brother and he has one wife (how refreshing!). Together they brought three beautiful babies into this world who would be my "sisters". Growing up they were as much a part of my life as anyone. They took me with them on family vacations and when I was in college gave me a key to their house so I could hang out in between classes. They loved me beyond what is required of an Aunt and Uncle. They're quirky, but in this family you gotta be.
The Cousins: The three daughters were my constant companions through my sometimes difficult childhood. Without them I would've had the loneliest childhood in history. Sure we fought, knives might even have been involved, but that's what loved ones do, they fight and make-up. It was a fight between two of the sisters that gave me the greatest line I ever heard, "Tough tits, shave your pits." I would steal that line and make it my catch phrase, but I realize it doesn't make sense out of context. Bummer.
The Yentas: I've also had some additional "mother support" from my mom's best friend, Aunt Susan, and cousin Ann. Aunt Susan has been my mom's friend since high school and has always, always been there for us. Cousin Ann actually married one of our cousins when my mom was a young girl, but when our cousin lost his marbles and divorced Ann, we fought for custody and won her. At times having the Yentas and my mom makes me want to pull my hair out or put a gun in my mouth, but at other times it is my saving grace.
I bore you with all of this so, from time to time, I could tell you some family stories and you'll have a bit of context and also so you better understand from where my own quirkiness derives. There are a ton more cousins (you need a road map to keep track of my family), but these are the essential players.
So this week's family moment comes from my cousin's baby shower. Footnote- my cousins have five children between them (we were all pregnant at once a couple years ago- it was a freak show) with three more on the way including our first set of twins!
Anyway, at the shower I referred to my cousin as being knocked-up by Super Twin Sperm and Yenta Ann recoiled in horror at the term "knocked-up", lecturing me for five minutes on all the ways that phrase is disgusting and crude. Cut to a few hours later on the drive home when Yenta Ann and I are discussing the male inability to connect sex with emotion. I was saying that no matter how many times you explain to a guy that if he wants you to be "in the mood" then he needs to be sweet and loving outside the bedroom and long before Mr. Happy starts clamouring for a rub down. Yenta Ann agreed and said, "Yep, you're not gonna have panty pudding if they're not being nice the rest of the time!"
Panty pudding? But, knocked-up is disgusting and crude? Really?
After she said that I threw-up, flipped the car, and now we're all dead.
I'm so glad I've broken my family down a bit for you wonderful peeps because now I can more easily share my stories and there are so many....like the time my Uncle lost a toenail in the great San Antonio butter tub incident, or the time my mom got me off a plane even though they'd shut the doors and were ready to taxi away, or how my grandmother had a knack for setting herself on fire, or a million other great FAMILY MOMENTS.