Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Jurl Rampage

Sometimes things happen at work that make me lose my mind. I'm talking a fantasy spiral into quitting on the spot even if it means Husband chops me up and wedges pieces of me between the fish sticks and the Popsicles. It'd be worth it.

I'm trying very hard to recall my Eckhart Tolle zen-like state of beingness where I release my ego and let other's nonsense pass through me as if I were a sheet of glass. Sadly, it's not working because when I close my eyes and envision myself as the sheet of glass I suddenly transform into a weapon that starts slashing throats. Before I know it I'm covered in blood, surrounded by a mountain of dead bodies, and laughing maniacally. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

In practice I'm not a violent person, I don't even spank my kids (though I realllly want to sometimes), but during these internal fits of rage I'm a mass murderer. I leap on people as if I were a Kung Fu master, crack their head open, then scoop out their brain to use as a dish rag. Is that weird? Frankly, I think it helps me behave civilly when I really want to go wild ass animal on someone.

It's a good thing I work in a law firm where we don't have many weapons handy like axes (fantasy favorite), butcher knives, crow bars, acid, bamboo spears, tasers, or the such. Though we do have plastic knives, staplers, a glue gun, paper clips, letter openers, printer ink,, luke warm coffee, and a mail cart ( I might could run someone over)....so maybe it's not so safe. Maybe I should discuss this with my therapist....or maybe people should stop being retarded.


I think blood is really slimming on me.

6 comments:

Jenny said...

1. Yes, please get people to stop being retarded. I nominate you to be in charge of that job. I'll even make you a cake when you eradicate or cure the retardedness.
2. Remember that in your current willowy wispy state you might not have the strength you might once have had...just something to think about before you start wielding an ax (you might be easy to tackle).
3. Nevertheless, I have kind of a sharp letter opener in my top desk drawer if you need it. I also have an "office yoga" book on my credenza should you choose that path instead. Sorry I'm in Lampasas or I'd bring you my emergency bottle of Grey Goose!

BoBono said...

Try my mantra for a day:

It is illegal and immoral to stab someone in the face because they are stupid or mean!!!

Good luck :)

Claudia said...

Ha ha ha. You speak my language Jurl. Fantasy murder is the best. =) I'm too much of a people pleaser to actually do any of the things I dream about doing to our office idiot, but it helps for my imagination to do a little hacking and maiming. Let us know what the therapist says about this fantasy. For my sake, I hope she says it's healthy.

aae said...

Hmmmmm. Perhaps nancy's friend should increase dosage on a little happy pill action.

jurl said...

Jenny- I know you feel my pain.

Bobono- excellent mantra.

Claudia- let's just assume it's a healthy coping mechanism. I don't want to be institutionalized.

aae- the meds are doing their job b/c I only had one or two murder fantasies....that's improvement.

Kiki said...

Jurl, People should stop being retarded. And some people should be fired. But that won't happen. I kow where there is some vino in the office in case of emergency.