Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Ouch, Jurl!

So, this friend of mine, let's call her Poor Thing, was involved in a sex wreck the other night. A sex wreck is when you try a position that results in a fender bender or there's too much thrust causing a flame out in your lady business or someone gets a charlie horse right in the middle....you get the picture.

In Poor Thing's case, her husband wanted to try a new position even though things had been working perfectly well in the old missionary style, thank you very much, and the result was less than orgasmic, it was a private parts pile up.

In the movies they make certain positions look so easy when in reality they are complicated and dangerous. Poor Thing was flipped on her stomach and as her husband tried to wedge in there he practically dislocated her hips causing her pain and low self-esteem (cause women our age should be able to unhinge at the hip, right?). Then her husband tried to park in the wrong garage. Oops! Like I said, dangerous!

By the time they got going, Poor Thing's head was wedged under three pillows and her mountain of Cousin It hair so in short order she was suffocating. Poor Thing had to throw a flare, calling a halt to the whole thing.

They returned to their roots and finished the deed without further injury.

Hey, I'm all for spicing things up, but the ladies need some advance warning so they can do some stretching exercises, have a first-aid kit handy, and say a prayer.

Play safe, jurls.


Scout said...

I recently (last night) became unhinged at the hip during sex. I had a charlie horse in the muscles around my hip which resulted in severe pain followed me bursting into hysterical laughter because I had read this earlier in the day.

Next time I will have the ambulance on standby.

Anonymous said...

Unless I am crazy and have not had sex in a while it seems like a modified doggy style. What's the big deal?

jurl said...

Scout- ooh, the charlie horse is the worst!

Anon- please, I know all about your sex business and you don't want your legs pulled on like a wishbone any more than me..er..I mean Poor Thing.

Anonymous said...

I'd be afraid of a fart coming out.