Monday, January 26, 2009

Dear Jurl Answers Bothered Banker

Dear Jurl,

Sometimes an employee will come to me to ask a question about a clients account and I have to fight the urge to climb across my desk and slam my door into their face repeatedly. How can I get them to leave me alone?

Bothered Banker

Dear Bothered Banker:

What's wrong with slamming your door into their face repeatedly? Well, I guess that could land you in jail. Still, I sympathize with you greatly as my job is all about answering questions and there have been many times I've almost gone totally bitch-nuts. Try this: pohnesty. Pohnesty is polite honesty and is a great way to go. Let me give you a couple of examples:

"Um, okay, no offense, but you're driving me nuts. If you ask me again I'm going to have slam your face repeatedly in my door."

"You need to attempt to think for yourself before coming to me. I tell you this out of love and so you can grow as a [insert job title]."

"If I answered every question for you how would you learn anything?"

"I'm having a moment, here. I'm gonna need you to leave me alone."

"I don't wanna be a bitch, but you're gettin on my last freakin nerve."

Or you can go the sarcastic route which is a personal fave of mine:

"Is this some kind of practical joke? You're taking turns to see who can make me snap, right? Well, you're the lucky winner."

"I realize my sole purpose here is to answer your questions, but you're about to get my foot in your ass."

"Do you have a number? Because I'm currently serving #3..."

"I can't deal with you right now because I'm crampin big time, BIG TIME."

"I'm in love with you. Drop your pants."

"I swear to the Lord above I will kill you. With my bare hands. Then I will drink your blood."

"Go to your room and don't come out until I tell you to." (I actually used this one once)

Or, and this may be the most effective method, you can Socrates them:

"Well, isn't that client scheduled for billing next quarter? Does that really seem right to you? I'm hearing a lot of uh and um, but no real knowledge, is that about right? Have the accruals gone out? Is your report done? I'm gonna need a lot more information from you."

Stuff like that. Soon everyone will know that asking you a question results in 10,000 more questions to the original asker. We have one of these in our office and we will do anything to avoid going to him for answers.

Bottom line, you have three choices: 1) pohnesty; 2) sarcasm; or 3) become irritating question person. Oh and there is a fourth, you could start taking drugs.



Kiki said...

love it

aae said...

I echo KIKI. I may adopt some of these techniques today!