Saturday, January 24, 2009

Dear Jurl Answers Bored in Bed

Dear Jurl,

My husband has a tiny "piece" and I was able to look past it before kids, now after kids, things have changed. I am uninterested, unattracted, and unfulfilled. Do I just ignore this as usual and suffer through escapades to keep him happy? Sex is such a bore, and now a chore... yuck...

(Cross out Vag Surgery--it is more like "thumb size" syndrome...)

Dear Bored in Bed:

Well, this is a conundrum. You knew he had a dinky winky when you got married, but for some reason you overlooked it. Either you were madly in love with all his other qualities or you just wanted to be married. Either way, my advice will be the same since you went ahead and brought some children into this world with Tiny Tim.

First of all, it takes two to be boring. If you're just lying on your back while he pumps away at you with a Q-tip then you're part of the problem. There are lots of things to do in bed that don't hinge on the size or girth of the dong.

Before you can have better sex you need to figure out what exactly turns you on. I'm routinely surprised by the number of women that have given zero thought to what gets them excited. I'm even more surprised by the number of women that don't engage in self-pleasure! That one really freaks me out, but that's for another blog.

You may have to do some soul searching to determine what makes you hot. Now, you may be asking yourself, "What the hell is this jurl talking about? A vagina and a penis, what more is there?!" I submit that there is lots more. For instance, consider role playing. He can be a pirate and you can be the parrot that sits on his face. Polly want an orgasm?

Or you can be the naughty school girl (of legal age) who's been called to the principle's office for a spankin. Oops! You forgot to wear drawers to school! Bad girl.

I realize these fantasies still have to end in sex, but just relax, I'm getting there.

You may have already tried every position under the sun, but if you haven't then it's time for a world tour of the karma sutra. You may find a position that even works for a smurf shlong.

Next, consider that there is more than one way to orgasm. Perhaps it's time for a shopping trip to the sex store. I've had several friends recommend the Rabbit as the greatest vibrator in the world! A vibrator is good by yourself or with your partner. Plus there are all kinds of fun sex aids (I'm a plane Jane girl, but I have adventurous friends) from feather dusters to edible massage oil.

No one knows better than me how sex after kids can feel like a chore, regardless of how good or bad it is. The more responsibilities a woman takes on the less sexy she feels and the more resentful she can become that her husband has the nerve to still want sex after watching her clean house all freaking day!!

But, sex is important. In fact it can be more important than you even know. If I had to list the things that show a healthy marriage from most important to least important I would start with kindness. Husband would start with sex. Not because he is a sex fiend (though he is), but because it seems that a healthy sex life for him means a healthy marriage. It's just really important to him. So, I have moved sex up the list from next to last to in the top five.

Currently we're trying the "Thirty Days of Lovin" as prescribed by Dr. Pip. That's right we're having relations every day for thirty days. It's amazing how you can find the time for sex when you put it on the schedule. Now, my vagina might fall off, but I'm giving it my best. If smoke starts coming out of it we might have to take a break. And we're not doing the same thing every day, we're mixing it up. You can have a night of all oral, a night of all manual, you can have a night of just kissing, a night with some of all of the above. You get the idea. Oh, and don't forget the dirty talk.

Second, you should have an honest, but gentle conversation with your husband about your sex life and your needs. I'm not suggesting you tell him that he has a cocktail weenie, but that you want your sex life to be better. It might be a hard conversation to have, but it's easier than a lifetime of boring sex. Also, consider a sex therapist who might better be able to direct you in the ways of pleasure. A therapist might also help with an inhibited husband who can't get down and dirty with his wife.

Truthfully, there is no easy answer here. You have children together so you owe it to them to do everything you can to make your marriage work. You signed up for this marriage with all the information you needed to make and informed decision so you don't now get to say, "My bad. I'll take a do over." I mean you could, but you think bad sex is hard to live with, try being a single mother, then dealing with your adult children who have all kinds of emotional scarring because their mother left their father for a vibrator. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging you. All us married ladies have moments when we want to press the eject button, but marriage is hard for lots of reasons and we owe it to the God we married before, our children, and ourselves to try and make it work.

Also, ask yourself if some of your dissatisfaction in bed is more about your dissatisfaction with other life areas. Do you feel like you're doing more of the work around the house? Do you feel the pressures of being the breadwinner? Do you hate his mother? Maybe it's a combination of all these things. If so, then address those issues.

You have to take your private parts into your own hands, both figuratively and literally. Get wild! Get kinky! Get spanky, spanky! If that doesn't work then learn how to knit. Hey, maybe you could knit a penis extender?



Francie Stevens said...

Improvisation with regular home items such as the detachable shower massager can also be quite fantastic. I firmly believe that every woman needs one of those!!

Anonymous said...

1. Go to Vic Secret or Fredericks and get some thigh-high black fishnets. Swing by Barnes & Noble and pick up Kama Sutra

2. Lock yourself in your bedroom after the kids are in bed, shower, shave up your lady-business, and lather up with some sweet smelling lotion. Change the sheets on your bed.

3. Put on a short skimpy nightie, the thigh highs, and nothing else. Turn on HBO or some other sultry show and call hubby in for some loving.

4. Start at the front of the Kama Sutra, and keep working your way through the book until you get to something that revs your engines.

ATLGAL said...

Is Dr. Pip married? Because the "Thirty Days of Lovin" prescribed plan sounds like something an unmarried person might suggest and find delightful and fun, while wife married for more than a year, esp, with kids, would find absolutely out of the question. I prefer the "Thirty Days of NO Lovin" plan that my hubby and I tried out a few months ago.

Cjengo said...

That's it it's official......water just flew out of my mouth from laughing so hard. Greatness...just greatness