Friday, January 23, 2009

Dear Jurl Answers Sua Sponte

Dear Jurl: Not sure if this is funny or sad, or both...Is it time to break up with a kind, generous, sweet, gainfully (though not happily) employed man if:

a) in a conversation with a friend, you refer to him as a "smothering barnacle";
b) you actively avoid kissing him (because he is not a good kisser);
c) you can't stand the way he smells;
d) you find reasons for him to leave your house, then try them on him to get him to leave;
e) his baby kisses on your face and forehead make you want to scratch his eyes out;
f) you know you're not in love with him, but you stay in it because you're almost 37 and have still never been married;
g) all of the above?

As you can probably guess, I am in this conundrum. With a great guy. Who smells so bad that sometimes I can't even be near him (I'm sure he would smell irrestible to some other gal who was actually in love with him).

Sua Sponte

Dear Sua Sponte:

I think you already know the answer to this one: dump the stink bomb. You aren't doing either of you any favors by delaying the inevitable. And do it sooner rather than later or you're going to wind up engaged and telling yourself you can handle the stink, you can handle the bad kissing, you can handle the smothering, all so you can wear a white dress and walk down a flower-strewn aisle. Now, there are mistakes and there are MISTAKES. A mistake is when you forget to double flush the toilet after a big poop. A MISTAKE is entering into marriage with someone you already know you can hardly tolerate in your presence for more than half an hour.

Those little forehead kisses that seem irritating now, after marriage, will become so repulsive you will considering cutting off his lips and mailing them to his mother. I'm just saying, what bothers you now, will turn you psycho once you're married.

I understand the heart-pull of marriage, but you don't want to just be married, you want to be married to a man you love. And who doesn't smell like burnt turd. Marriage is hard as hell even when married to the man of your dreams.

Husband and I will have been married ten years in March and it has been a wonderfully difficult ten years. And make no mistake, I love Husband. I love the way he smells, I love the way he kisses, I love how he makes me laugh, I love how he loves his children, yet there have been times that being in a marriage with the one I love has still been hard. I can't imagine what it would have been like if we didn't love each other. I doubt we'd be about to celebrate ten years together.

Believe it or not, there are worse things than being almost 37 and single, like being married to a guy that makes vomit flood your mouth when he's near you. That's a whole lot worse.

Don't waste any more of his time or yours. Somewhere out there is a woman who will think his stench is ambrosia. And somewhere out there is a guy that won't smother you, will kiss you till you see stars, and will smell like ambrosia to you.

Unfortunately, things don't always happen on our time table. I wish a lot things had happened in my twenties that are just now shakin free for me in my thirties. But, that's life. And though you can't make things happen when you want, you can stop yourself from making huge MISTAKES.

Keep the faith, Sua Sponte.



ATLGAL said...

This is SO true- the little irritations when you're dating turn HUGE about 2 months after you get married, and they just get bigger and bigger. They do NOT go away. And you do not stop noticing- if anything, you notice more than EVER. You just have to decide if those irritations are something you can live with if they are multiplied five-fold. If not, get the heck outta. I thought it was kinda sweet and cute when my hubby used to make lots of helpful suggestions that I really didn't need, but how nice that he cared enough to want to make them, right?!?!?! Now, if a "suggestion" (in my mind they've become "orders" now rather than helpful suggestions) I fly off the handle like a scalded harpy and instruct him, in no uncertain (nor quiet) terms, NOT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO b/c I was just fine w/o him for the 27 years before we met and I don't need him ordering me around.... blah blah blah. Luckily he's learned and now when he's on the verge of a "helpful suggestion" I wag my finger at him and threaten to drycock him if he tosses out any unsolicited orders. Generally that stops him, but the fact is, its in his nature and he cannot help it. And it is in MY nature, of course, to not take orders. And I can only imagine how crazy that drives HIM. Alas, we can live with it and thus we move into our 9th year...

Anonymous said...

thanks jurl. It makes me sad to have to do it, but I know you and atlgal are right. :( I really appreciate the help and advice.

Sua sponte