Sunday, January 4, 2009

Interruptus Jurl

Is it any wonder that couples have less sex once they have kids? If you're not taking care of them, you're exhausted from taking care of them, and if you manage to sneak into the bedroom for some boom-boom you're at risk for a sexual disorder known as Offspring Dysfunction.

Offspring Dysfunction, or DS, occurs when a child you had thought to be asleep is in fact wide awake and attempting to break into your bedroom as you attempt adult-themed exercises. This disruption of coitus activates the sex-emergency-break.

The only cure for DS is quick thinking. The offspring must be convinced to return to their own room without adult supervision/force. DS avoidance is demonstrated in the following scenario:

"Mommy! I can't get in! I want to sleep in your bed for a few minutes...."

Both parents freeze, "Honey, Mommy is on the phone with work right now, but I'll come get you in a few minutes. Go on back to your room."

"O.K., but I'll just wait right here by the door."

Husband shakes his head violently letting you know this is unacceptable and will turn coitus interruptus into DS for sure.

"Uh, I'm going to be on the phone for a while so go on back and I promise to come get you."

"O.k., Mommy. Where's Daddy?"

"Um, in the bathroom. Don't worry about it."


Several things of note happened in the above scenario. First, when alerted that an offspring was in the area the parents froze. This is important because 1) if you kept going it would be creepy and 2) you want to be able to pick up right where you left off.

Also, the offspring was diverted by the semi-plausible story of Mommy engaged in work. Now, the acceptance of such a lie depends on the age of the child. An older offspring might not fall for Mommy working at 9:00 p.m. on a Friday night, but a four year old, for instance, is plenty gullible.

Finally, when the offspring offers to wait by the door the husband let's the wife know that this is a major wood-kill. If the offspring had refused to return to bed on her own the offer to get herself a Popsicle would have been extended.

I hope you can use this information to avoid DS. Happy humping.

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