Thursday, February 26, 2009

Damaged Jurl

By the end of my first night away I actually missed my little ankle biters. Clearly, God, being super smart, knew that children would drive any woman to drinking and driving (even in Old Testament times there were problems with drunks taking their donkeys out for a wild ride) so he designed the female brain to undergo a permanent mental shift once the first child pushes it’s little red, goo-smeared face into the world. This “mental shift” is also known as brain damage. A mother’s brain damage allows her to long for her children within ten hours of leaving them even though she’d ran away from them so fast she left skid marks in the kitchen.

God is indeed the ultimate planner because without this mental defect mothers would take their children for a long walk in the woods and “accidentally” lose them there. Instead, us maternally (and mentally) challenged cleave to our darling babies even when their heads spin around, even when they pee on the floor and play in it, even when they lick your face because they’re pretending to be a dog, even when they stab at your kneecaps with Thomas the Train accessories and even when they just won’t shut-up. Yes, a mother will always come back for more because she is brain damaged and because she is conditioned to stay in an abusive-relationship with her children.

Should we praise God or curse Him? I guess since my own mother should have dropped me in a volcano and run like hell instead of loving me beyond reason, I’ll go with praise.


Laura said...

Dearest Jurl, I think I will have to stop reading your posts during lunch as I am in constant danger of choking from laughter on some tiny morsel of lettuce (or french fry) and dying a slow and painful death behind the closed door, where hopefully housekeeping will eventually find my bloated corpse, but my co-workers will likely never notice.

I do so love reading your posts, though, that I guess I will continue reading at my own risk!

Jurl said...

Thanks, Jurl! But be careful....I can't afford to lose any readers!