Saturday, April 18, 2009

Travel Sized Jurl

Wednesday I had to fly to Georgia for a deposition on Thursday. And of course, wound up staying until Friday because the deposition didn't finish on Thursday. Then there was bad weather in Dallas last night so they canceled my flight and delayed the one they put me on. I sat at the airport for six hours. What a delight. Traveling wouldn't be so bad except for all the other travelers. There are some basic travel rules that I would like everyone to learn and observe. Here they are:

1) Remove all items that may set off the security thingy the FIRST TIME. It never fails that the fool in front of me will cruise through the security thing and give a look of surprise when the alarm goes off. He retreats, digs through his pocket, and pulls out his keys. On his second try he again sets off the alarm (I am now tapping my barefoot with the hatred of a thousand devils) and this time finds he left his cell phone in his pocket! Third time is the charm. What retard doesn't know that keys and a cell phone will set off the alarm? If you don't know such a basic piece of information then you should not be allowed to travel alone or maybe at all. I hate you.

2) Lose the fanny pack you jackass. Not only is it a stupid and disgusting pouch for your tourist necessities, but it will SLOW ME DOWN. How? I'll tell you how. Because you will stop in the middle of the airport to unzip that unholy black hole to dig for whatever the hell you just thought about needing, causing me to nearly rear end you. So do us all a favor and stop stuffing stuff in your fanny.

3) SETTLE DOWN! When about to board a flight where you have an assigned seat, there is no need to crowd around the front of the boarding line until your group is called. What are you doing? Handicaps go first, First Class second, then the rest of you yahoos get to board. All you do is cause confusion and traffic jams, you silly bastards.

4) When the people running the flight tell you to put only one carry-on in the overhead, LISTEN TO THEM. They really aren't just making crap up to irritate you and you look like an asshole for hogging the bin space! If you're caught bogarting the overhead you ought to have to ride in it.

5) Don't yell at the ticket lady. So what she's rude and unhelpful? She can't do anything anyway if the flight is sold out! Sold out means sold out...S-O-L-D O-U-T. So sit down, shut-up, and read your book. Next time, just stay home.

Print this out and take several copies with you when you travel so you can pass them out when you encounter rule breakers.


Gemini said...

Love it, I passed it along so maybe there will be fewer idiots at the airport in the future.

Jennifer G said...

Love it!

ATLGAL said...

At least you got to come see me, even if you did have to deal with travel frustrations (fyi, I agree with all your instructions for travel amateurs, BTW).

Jennifer G said...

found a shirt for you