Too Old for Spandex, Jurls

Last night's American Idol finale was pretty great, I must say. (This is a spoiler-free blog so I won't say who won in case you got it on Tivo). Lots of big acts, like Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas, Santana, Lionel Richie, Rod Stewart, Keith Studlicious Urban, Cyndi Lauper (personal fave), Steve Martin (yes, the funny one- he's into this banjo thing), Queen Latifah, and Queen. But the one act that kind of thrilled and saddened me was Kiss. Adam kicked things off with "Beth" (love this song) then was joined by the band in full make-up for a few of their hits.

That's where it got sad. Real sad. Kiss is too old for full make-up and chest-revealing spandex. The make-up got stuck in their wrinkles and creases making them look like a crypt-keeper tranny. And I'm sorry, Gene Simmons, we know your tongue is freakishly long, but that doesn't mean you should stick it out every three seconds. That just looks stupid.

And Paul, a man your age should not be falling on the ground in a humping stance unless he is in fact humping or seizing. That, plus your oily bo-hunk grey chest hair is just nasty. Take a tip from Rod Stewart and wear a twelve-piece suit to cover that shite up. Gag.

Here's the harsh truth fellas, gravity isn't just something for the ladies. It also affects men, specifically, your saggy arm flaps, your pouchy nipples, your collapsed stomach muscles, and even your droopy cod-pieces. There comes a time we must all accept where God has brought us, old age. Just be glad you survived the 1970s to see it.