Ashamed Jurl

I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of. In the second grade I put a girl's hairbrush in a pile of human poop because two popular girls bullied me into doing it. (Then I confessed to the teacher because I felt really bad.) In high school I kicked a giant gay boy off our lunch table because, where we were an unpopular group of fat chicks and nerds, with him added our role as torture targets was really upped. (I still feel really bad about that one.) And that's just the tip of the iceberg, but of the many shameful things I have done, one that ranks right up there is....wait for it....wait for it.....watching Dance Moms. I'm sorry!

Dance Moms is a reality show about pieces of shit. Pieces of shit moms and a piece of shit dance owner. These people are monsters. I am not joking. If a turd put on a too tight dress, too much lipstick, and had trailer highlights in it's turd hair they would be on this show. This show makes Toddlers & Tiara's look like award winning journalism.

But let's leave their shitty turd selves aside for a mo because it's the little girls that I'm worried about. Two of these moms had a screaming, cursing, fight right in front of these poor babies. The girls started crying (and so did I) watching two moms act like junior high whore-bags going head to head. Their little faces looked terrified (the girls not the whore-bags). I was terrified! These little girls are on their way to eating disorders, teen pregnancy, cutting, eating detergent, and whatever other mental disorders there are out there.

DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW. Help me not watch this show. We must boycott so they won't renew it for another season. We should report these piece of shit mothers to CPS because their children miss all kinds of school, suffer verbal and physical abuse, and are having their souls raped daily.

Oh, the shame! I watch while I drink red wine and it makes me feel better about my parenting failures. God save me from my self!

OK. Beep beep, let me back up the truck and tell you more abut this burning turd of a show. As I said it's about little dancers, ages 5-13 or so, but it's really about the mothers- how they fight, how they hate, how they pressure their little girls, how they were raised by snakes in a junk yard.

And the Queen Turd is Abbey the Owner who I have yet to see do a single dance step. Newsflash for you Abbey, dance is not the same as curing cancer. It's really not. It is not more important than reading, writing, and arithmetic. It is not more important than a 10 year old's ankle injury. You are not going to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for throwing your hefty weight at 40 pound 8 year olds. What you will receive is a place in hell.

And then there are the moms. Are they moms? At times they act like moms. They cart the kids around in their mini-vans, sew rhinestones on costumes as they watch the practice from a loft area, and occasionally offer a hug to their child. But then they open their mouths and I can no longer be sure what they are. They argue with Queen Turd about the skimpy costume and stripper moves of one performance, but then go along with it (they failed to even place at that competition due to what I assume were child pornography laws). They fuss about the hours at the dance center, but then tell there daughters to quit whining. They live and die with every high kick. They drink at lunch and gossip about the other mom's who aren't around (o.k., that's not that weird.) They keep their daughters at the dance studio till 10:00 p.m. or later every night. Hmm, I'm not doing it justice. You'll have to trust me that they are horrible, because you must not watch for yourself. Jurl, don't do it.

The two moms that go at it the most are Turd One and Turd Two. One and Two have the top two dancers (I guess), but Turd One's is often edging out the other. So what does Turd Two do? Attacks turd One. Because??? I don't know why. Because Queen Turd plays favorites? Then yell at her. Because Turd One let her daughter do two solos in one competition? Then let your daughter do two! Or three! She lives at the studio so there should be time for as many solos as you can so rhinestones to the costumes. She was particularly horrible on the show where all the screaming and cursing took place in front of these kids.

Then there is the strange turd from some other town that claims to own a dance studio, but brings her child to Queen Turd for some reason I do not understand. She looks older than the other moms, but seems ageless at the same time. Like there is a portrait of her in an attic somewhere revealing her to be a 300 year old hag. She also seems to be the most aware that she is being filmed. I believe she is every bit as horrible as she appears, but I believe she's horrible with a smile because of lights! camera! action!, making her even more ghoulish than her attic portrait. And in a sad twist of fate, her poor kid looks like she was trained by a three-toed sloth. You know, not everybody is a dancer.

I've written way too much about a show I claim to want to boycott. If I watch much more of this shitberg I'll starting eating detergent.

Queen Turd

Turd One happy her daughter won, again, and Turd Two planning her murder. Can you tell which is which?

Turd Two going after Turd One. Look at that little face in the background.

Is she going to eat me? She's going to eat me. Please don't eat me!

Strange Turd.