Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Oh, Jurl, You Are Drunk and French. What Could be Worse?

By now you have probably heard about Gerard Depardieu's recent incontinence problem on a passenger jet. If not, then allow me to break the news: the big French lout took a piss on the carpet of the plane he was in as they awaited take off.

When this made news I was torn. On the one hand, I was grossed out because I can imagine the assault of his hot, steamy, stinky, yellow pee pee blasting out of his french sausage link and splattering across the inside of what is essentially an overgrown tin can. Yaht. On the other hand, if you are stuck sitting on the tarmac needing to go potty then you should be able to use the facilities and if the flight attendants insist you keep your seat with no regard to the peril of your swollen bladder, then piss on them.

So, as to The Great Pee Pee Caper I was on the fence. And then this:


Urinating when you are drunk and/or held hostage I can understand. This spoof that passes for french humor I cannot abide. I now speak to the people of France:

Why are you so weird, French people? Why is this funny? It's not. Are your comedy writers all cocaine-fueled Jerry Lewis impersonators? Why does the plane look like a backstage Vegas dressing room? Why does the guy across the aisle seem totally bemused by how he got in this skit? Why is the opera Viking costume so hilarious to you people? We leave that for Bugs Bunny. And only when he cross-dresses. Why is Gerard Depardieu a sex symbol? Seriously, why? Why?!

My advice, because I know you want it, is to stick to making cheese, wine, and rude comments to American tourists. And since I am an American tourist allow me to quote my good friend N.D. who, when robbed in Paris and given the run around at a French bank, said "If not for us you'd all be speaking German!"

Spreken ze that Gerard.

No comments: