Monday, January 7, 2008

How To Kill a Jurl in 45 Minutes or Less

So, I've kicked off 2008 with my annual attempt to get fit by exercising (as if there's some other way). Some of you may have read my last, disastrous attempt at working out (scary 5:00 a.m. morning walks where I was attacked by shrubbery, stalked by would be stalkers, and mocked by a neighbor that saw me go splat when I tripped over a crack in the side walk), but that was 2007 and this is 2008, so hope reigns supreme.

I thought buying an elliptical machine would be a good idea, but much like electric blue eyeliner in the seventh grade was a really bad idea, so is the freaking piece of medieval-torture machinery now lurking in a corner of my bedroom. One day last week I hopped on the foot pedal do-hickeys like an Olympic hopeful beginning a season of training only to realize I'm less like an Olympiad and more like an invalid. That machine is hard, y'all. After about thirty seconds I started to cry. My three year old came in and started running beside me, shaming me with her energy and stamina. The elliptical has been converted into a clothes stand for my husband's t-shirts.

Upward and onward! I will not be defeated by my poor choices in fitness equipment so I pick up something called Yoga Booty Ballet (YBB) at Target. I'm a sucker for the idea of being the kind of person who does yoga with a little meditation on the side. I find both to be challenging, the yoga because I'm weak and the meditation because I have the attention span of a gnat. When I try to meditate I picture something in my head like a clay water picture (they say it helps to focus your mind on an object) which reminds me of a silver water pitcher sitting on my counter that needs to be washed, but no one's gonna wash it because I'm the only one that cares that it's dirty and that reminds me how unappreciated I I'm angry and no longer meditating.

Anyway, so the YBB hooks me with the yoga and meditation as well as the promise of dance moves (I'm a dancing fool- think Flashdance meets Re-Run from What's Happening) so I plop down thrity bones for it. This morning I popped it in the DVD player and entered the YBB world. First off, the two women who lead it are clearly not human because their bodies are ridiculous and I knew I was in trouble when the warm up wore me out. By the time they were really shaking it, I was shook out. When the cardio section was over I thought, "Thank goodness! Now I can do some relaxing light yoga." Stupid fool. Next thing I know those bitches have me in Downward Dog, then doing push ups, then doing the rooster tail or the collapsed colon or whatever the hec they call it. Again, I was soon crying.

Finally, I arrived at the ab section, also known as the "please stop, please stop" section. YBB comes with a cute little rubber ball that you place between your legs for resistance. (could make a joke about not wanting balls between my legs anytime, much less when I'm working out, but I won't.) I decided to use my ball as a head rest (resisting urge to make another "ball" joke).

Do the exercises still work if you're lying still, but intently watching the video? I hope so because twenty crunches in, o.k. five crunches in, I stopped crunching and just focused on the breathing part.

All in all, it wasn't a bad work-out. The slapping sound of my fat parts coming together kept me motivated during the dance section while the fantasy of having Madonna's yoga-toned body kept me trying "the flying anus" move even when I heard things inside me popping. And so what if I use the ab section as the cool down? I gotta start somewhere, right?

Here's to trying to do better and be better. Even when you feel your heart about to explode.


Anonymous said...

Get back on that elliptical, girl! Do it for 2 minutes one day, then 5 the next, 10 the next, etc. At first, it's VERY hard, but it gets easier every time. Also, if it's EXTREMELY difficult to move the pedals, there may be a problem with the resistance being too strong.

Good luck! Sua sponte

Anonymous said...

I'm a huge YBB fan. There are ones that are a bit easier than what you described - try the Go-Go one, especially if you're ready to laugh at yourself in the Charlie's Angels pose.

Anonymous said...

dude, i agree on the eliptical thing. kicks my a**. i prefer the treadmill.

Claudia said...

One of my new years resolutions was to lose weight in '08. Good thing I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby girl on December 27th. I guess I can check losing weight off my resolution list now. 7 lbs. 10 oz. came off in just a few pushes. Much easier than the YBB DVD sounds. =)Ok, maybe not.

jurl said...

Claudia-Congratulations on your new baby! Hope you are doing and feeling well! A baby jurl is a beautiful thing.

Anonymous said...

Damn Jurl, that was funny! Laughed so hard I peed on myself. Seriously.