Monday, April 21, 2008

Party Jurl

Well, I survived VAG. First of all, let me share with you that this past weekend was Pirate Con (first ever Pirate Convention) in New Orleans. We became suspicious that something was up when every where we went there were pirates. I'm talking, decked out to the sword hilt, pirates. Men and women all over the French Quarter wore their pirate gear complete with mugs of ale and, for the ladies, massive amounts of cleavage, or what we call, pirate titties. Footnote, most of the pirate ladies were on the robust side..... I guess pirate food is fattening. I was obsessed with the pirates and thought about crashing the Pirate Ball at the Holiday Inn Super Dome, but sadly, did not have with me my black, leather corset.

Friday night we partied on Bourbon Street. Now, where would a middle-aged, mother of two hang out in New Orleans in the evening hours? Duh, a karaoke bar! Oh, yeah. Me and my amis stood in a smoky, smelly, sticky, Bourbon Street bar while singing/screaming along with the crowd to classic tunes like "I Like Big Butts" by the Knighted Sir Mix-A-Lot and Taylor Dayne's love anthem, "Prove Your Love" (I think I always sang MOVE your love....")

A few of our braver ladies signed us up for Madonna's "Holiday" and three hours later when our group was called we stumbled on stage with mics in hand. Despite the fact I was stone cold sober (a karaoke mistake), it took a few bars before I realized we had wound up with "Vogue". Bummer. Eleven of us mumbled and danced (sort of) through it. At one point some young skinny tramp crawled on stage and took the mic right out of my friend's hands. My friend yanked it right back with some kind words whispered (or perhaps screamed) in trampy stranger's ear. I"m sure she said something like, "Be a dear, bitch, and shimmy your ass right back off this stage."

After we had thoroughly violated "Vogue" I hurried off stage while a few of us were encouraged to remain behind and bounce to "Oh, Mickey", complete with pom poms.

Once my cheer leading friends returned I called it quits and a group of us made our way back to the hotel. On the way I asked, "What time is it? 4 O'clock in the morning?"

Elle Woods replied, "It's only 12:30 a.m.!" Brutal, it felt a lot later.

Of course, on the road back there were lots of Bourbon St. goings-on that made me glad to be old enough to know better. We were stopped by drunken goobs numerous times, but managed to dodge them pretty successfully. One honorable mention goes to the young man, Scary Guy, who fixated on my jurl A and who was threatened by one of our very brave California lawyers, Cali. The exchange went something like this:

SG: "Oooh! You a fine lookin white woman!"

We keep walking, heads down. He continued walking and talking along side us.

SG:"Yeah, you a good lookin white woman. Come here and talk to me."

More walking. I fell back to put an arm around A and pray he'd think we're together and move on. Cause even a fine looking white woman is of little use to a dude if she's a lesbian.

SG: "Baby, come here and talk to me, baby."

Cali: "Look my friends are from Texas so they're too polite to say anything, but I'm from California and have no problem saying 'See, ya!'"

SG (reaching for Cali): "Come here..."

Cali: "Don't you touch me!"

A few threats to his person later and we were free.

The next day we spa-ed, ate, and pretty much did whatever we wanted.

Saturday night's fun revolved around our Voodoo tour which turned out to be an undead tour that was really a ghost tour that was really just tales of old murders and what not. An hour in my knees were creaking and my feet were aching so myself and JJ grabbed a cab back to the hotel. I was home early enough to watch another pay-per-view movie!

I had a lovely time and truly enjoyed my private hotel room, but must admit that by the second night I was missing my rug rats and even Husband (just a little). Clearly I have CMS, Crazy Mother Syndrome. This condition makes you long to be away from your family, but once you achieve that goal you immediately begin to miss them.

If you're planning a trip to New Orleans anytime soon, please see side bar for restaurant/hotel reviews.


Anonymous said...

Crazy gringas!

ATLGAL said...

So, which of you VAG ladies flashed your boobies?

jurl said...

No boobie flashing in my presence though I did survey our younger associates to see if they would flash their fun bags in exchange for a pirate showing us their penis. I had no takers.