Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Protesting Jurl

My feelings for Target are the complete opposite of my feelings for Wal-Mart. You might ask, "Isn't Wal-Mart the same as Target?" And I say, "Oh, no you didn't!" Never, never compare that soul sucking, empire of evil to my beloved Target. Not if you know what's good for you.

First of all, Target is a quality store with quality goods and cracker jack commercials. Wal-mart is stinky stuff in a stinky store and their commercials suck. Second of all, Wal-Mart is the anti-Christ. How do I know this? Well, you're going to have to trust me. I will tell you that I've watched a very thorough documentary, "Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price", on the sins of this Super Saving Satan and did some Internet research to fact check said documentary. And yes, I've researched Target and it's corporate record is without blemish (as much as any corporation can be without a blemish).

Here are a few of Wal-Mart's evil deeds:

In urban areas, Wal-Mart actually reduced the take-home pay of retail workers by $4.7 BILLION dollars annually.

In 2004, a study released the UC Berkeley Labor Center found that "reliance by Wal-Mart workers on public assistance programs in California comes at a cost to taxpayers of an estimated $86 million annually; this is comprised of $32 million in health related expenses and $54 million in other assistance."

That's because Wal-Mart encourage employees to get on Medicaid (in a number of states the number of Wal-Mart families on Medicaid is staggering).

Wal-Mart discriminates, and lots of other bad stuff.

Blah, blah, bad stuff, blah, blah, bad stuff. I could go on and on, but I'm not really hear to bitch about Wal-Mart (though they are really sorry), but to share my Wal-Mart, or Ass Mart, commercial I've written, because I'm clearly a spaz.

Here it is:


Sales Associate in blue vest with skull & cross bones logo: "Here at Ass-Mart the customer’s needs always come first. That’s why we use only the cheapest labor, in fact Ass-Mart is leading the way in third world enslavement. This allows us to offer you, our customer, a $25.00 laptop computer."

Cut to overly enthused Customer: "Prices are so low, with the money you save you can buy and sale a Chinese factory worker!"

Back to Sales Associate in blue vest: "Ass-mart also recognizes our customers don’t want to see women and minorities rising up the corporate ladder, so we’ve pulled it up! That’s right, only white men will be getting rich off the sweat of twelve year old Asian girls and your hard earned dollars! But, don’t worry—there’s plenty of minorities and women on the sales floor to help you find whatever you’re looking for."

Back to Customer seeking help from associate in blue vest: "Excuse me, can you tell me where the $5 comforters are?"

Sales associate: "No habla ingles."

Customer looks to camera with confused smile.


Sales associate in blue vest: "Ass-Mart also wants to provide you with every possible product and service you can dream of so we can annihilate all competition. We know you’re lazy and will accept poor quality goods and service as long as you can get it all in one stop."

Cut to Customer sitting in waiting room: "I don’t know how I managed before Ass-Mart! Now I can get my oil changed while getting my pap smear!"

Nurse in blue vest: "Dr. Chaz will see you now."

Customer on table with legs in stirrups: "After this I’m picking up a dozen eggs and a gallon of milk."

(over loud speaker hear: price check on maxi wings)

Dr. Chaz in white coat and blue vest: "Don’t forget to pick up you car. (winks at the camera) Here at Ass-Mart we want you to be as well lubed as your vehicle."


Back to Sales Associate in blue vest: "Ass-Mart- smelling like ass, proliferating modern day slavery, and ruining small town America…everyday….for you, our valued customer….and for ourselves….because making lots of money is fun."

The End

Props to Pretty in Pink who inspired the bit about the pap smear and made that joke before Wal-Mart announced it would have Docs in the Box at a Wal-Mart near you. For sure it's the End Times.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

And don't forget the cost small towns incur having to hire extra police officers to handle the crime WalMart brings with it.

ATLGAL said...

And all the houses and pastures and cornfields they tear down to build the stinkin' places. I have been boycotting WM for 3 years (I wouldn't have gone anyway, but now its a "cause"!)

Anonymous said...

Wal-mart sucks. Shame on us for wanting a $25 DVD player so bad that we'd turn a blind-eye to their unseemly ways.

Anonymous said...

I'm in love with Target too. I can't even remember the last time I went to a Wal-Mart...er...Ass-Mart.

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