Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Jurl Bytes (or An Actual Conversation I had that really started like this....)

HV (Hot Vagina):"You ladies need to try Intrigue Heat."

Me: "What! I don't want a hot vagina!"

HV: "Have you ever tried it?"

Me: "No, but once I put some Icy Hot on my sore knee then put some pantyhose on and twenty minutes later my crotch was on fire so I'm gonna pass on the vagina burning."

HV: "Get a Brazilian and you won't have any hair to burn."

Me: "I'm not getting a Brazilian!"

HV: "It doesn't hurt that bad."

Me: "I'm more concerned about the poor woman who has to dive into my lady swamp. And when she dug into the ass part I'm afraid a pre-historic cave dwelling creature might fly out of that dark crevasse and attack her!"

HV: "Well, there's a 'him and her' Intrigue...it heats him up, too. I'm gonna get some of that stuff because he couldn't feel the burning sensation. I kept asking him, 'can you feel the heat' but he kept saying he didn't feel a thing!"

Me: "WTF. Do you hear yourself? 'Burning sensation?' People usually put ointments on their prives to stop the burning, not start it and try to spread it to their partner!"

HV: "Now my husband wants to use ice cubes and candles..."

Me: "Well if you keep heating up your vagina you'll need to cool it off, just don't get the open flame near your vag or you might catch it on fire."


ATLGAL said...

Get this- we are trying out a marriage experiment (my husband's idea!). We always give up booze for Lent (6 weeks) every year, and according to hubby that first beer at the end of Lent "tastes better than any beer he's ever had before". So, his new theory- give up nookie for the entirety of the month of May, in hopes that the action on June 1 will be earth shattering.

I am DELIGHTED by this experiement (and perhaps jumped too enthusiastically at it when it was proposed), mostly b/c I have an entire month to sleep unmolested, not shave my legs, not worry about paying up on the old "wifely duty" IOU list, and generally getting my time all to myself after baby girl is put to bed each evening. Hubby can even touch me while I'm sleeping this month without me seizing up in apprehension immediately b/c I want to sleep more and I know that he- ahem- does not. I know my focus is in the wrong place (the blissfully dry month, and not the potential for toe curling lovin' at the end of the month). We shall see how it goes. I'm convinced that hubby will be an uptight asshole in less than a week. But I can live with a grumpy horny hubby as long as I'm off the hook for a WHOLE, BLISSFUL MONTH!!! Hooray! I suspect I will be filled with dread during the week before the month ends b/c I know the expectation will be huge and I'm going to have to do some major, memorable stuff. But until then, I'm going to enjoy and savor each and every day!

jurl said...

Interesting theory. If there is any truth to it then the next time we have sex it will be so intense Husband's joystick will explode.

Enjoy your month of celibacy! REad lots of magazines and watch lots of late night T.V.!